Water seeks its own level, so make sure the water you are in is pure instead of polluted.

Step 1: Make a list of the most positive, uplifting, low maintenance (easy to please, difficult to upset) people you admire and respect and know or would like to know.

Step 2: Do everything you can to develop a relationship with these people. One way to do that is to figure out what you can do for them that would make them happier and their lives better from their point of view (for instance one thing I do is write thoughtful, positive, heartfelt and sincere book reviews if they have a book) and because of who they are (i.e. non-takers and non-scorekeepers) this may cause them to want to return your generosity with their own. For me, because they are indeed so special, just the gift of their very precious time is more than enough payment.

Step 3: The more you develop relationships with these wonderful people, who make you want to be a better person, the more repulsed you will be by the takers, whiners, excuse makers, bullies and high maintenance (easy to upset, difficult to please) people to the point where any contact with them will feel like nails on a chalkboard. That will drive you to sever your relationship with the negative people. Another reason you will want to sever your relationship with them is because of the negative part of your personality (the blamer, whiner, excuse maker in you) that is kept alive by continuing a relationship. Allowing that negative part of you to continue is a way of dishonoring the wonderful people you are now bringing in your life and standing in the way of your becoming the better person that they make you want to become.

If you have read this far and want to share your thoughts, please click “Reply.”

A terrific resource for connecting with the right people is Keith Ferrazzi’s megabest seller, Never Eat Alone and if you really want to make a commitment to your personal improvement and achieve breakthrough results using the power of relationship check out Keith’s online university, Relationship Masters Academy.

The New York Times defines “maternal profiling” as “Employment discrimination against a woman who has, or will have, children. The term has been popularized by members of MomsRising, an advocacy group promoting the rights of mothers in the workplace.”  Did you also know that “women without children make 90 cents to a man’s dollar, but mothers make only 73 cents to a man’s dollar, and single mothers make about 60 cents to a man’s dollar,” according to Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner.  Surprised?  Keep reading…

I recently read an article titled, “Spread the word about maternal profiling” by Ms. Rowe-Finkbeiner and it captured my attention because of the horrific statistics on maternal profiling.  For example, a study by the American Journal of Sociology recently found that “mothers are 79 percent less likely to be hired than non-mothers with equal résumés and job experiences.”

Maternal profiling is a real phenomenon happening today and is a “significant and shared problem that has negative impact on vast numbers of women in our nation.”  Ms. Rowe-Finkbeiner believes there are several ways we can all work together to end maternal profiling, including:

• Change policies for the better:  Fight for family-friendly policies as well as laws that protect mothers and caregivers from discrimination in the workplace.  Countries that have family-friendly policies in place do not have the same degree of maternal wage hits as the USA.
• Spread the word:  Help as many people as possible learn about the widespread practice of maternal profiling.  Fight for cultural change to help stop this negative practice. 

I agree with Ms. Rowe-Finkbeiner.  We need to work together to stop maternal profiling and the more people who become aware of it; the faster we can stop it!  Mom or not, please help to spread the word.

1)  If you don’t want it repeated, don’t say it. Even once.

Never underestimate the power of careful communication:  Whatever you say and whoever you say it to, know that it has the potential to be spread around.  Choose your words wisely and avoid bad gossip or inappropriate conversation.  I can not tell you how many times I have heard, “I never thought he/she would ever repeat that to others!”

2)  Be passionate about your work, not about your personal feelings

Expressing thoughts and opinions in a passionate way for specific issues related to work protocols and procedures comes across very differently than emotions related to how you personally feel if you are angry or hurt about someone or something.

3)  Complain with Style and Substance

If you find it necessary to complain to your management or HR, do it with style!  Let them know what is happening that is preventing you from being as effective and/or efficient as you desire in your particular job, or task.  The goal is to allow HR or higher leaders to want to involve themselves versus you trying to persuade them. 

4)  Practice Good Leadership Yourself

Use the 3 key ingredients for good leadership, even in non-leadership positions: Gain knowledge about your work area with respect to the specifics about the job and or historical events in your work area.  When possible, demonstrate your problem-solving abilities and skills and lastly, never lose your work or personal integrity.  This is demonstrated by what you say in both words and actions.  An emotionally mature person has command of their behavior at all times. Self-control is a skill worth learning.
 

In short, be the person you would want to work along side!

The topic of working with friends and loved ones has been on my mind lately. It seems that everyone has an opinion or an experience to share. Some are not very rosy, but others have uncovered the secret to making it work.

I’ll spare you the suspense and tell you up front: Prioritize the relationship first, the work second.

Some of the conversations I have had with our Work Her Way experts were so insightful, I’ve asked them to share there views for you here. Maggie Ellis Chotas and Betsy Polk Joseph have weighed in on the pros. They are partners, friends, and co-authors of an upcoming book on this subject. I also wrote about their partnership this week in my New York Daily News column, along with Work Her Way Experts Melissa McGraw and Jennifer Gregory, another excellent example of business partnership among friends.

There is no denying the down side, however, and for that reason we’ve asked Work Her Way expert and business attorney Nina Kaufman to hold up the Caution! sign and provide some advice for getting off to a good start (and further tips on ending well, in case your arrangement comes to that). Nina put it best when she said, “The surest way to ruin Thanksgiving Dinner forever is to do business with a family or friend in a slipshod way. I’ve seen the wreckage of a lot of personal relationships because people didn’t recognize one very important consideration: you have a special asset at risk—the personal relationship. That came first—and it needs to be protected.”

What advice can you share?

Why Working with Friends and Family Works:

Trust: You already have a connection as a friend or relative … You already know each other’s stories

Familiarity: You know each other and you still want to entertain the idea of partnership – that says a lot right there

Communication: You’re used to making plans and dealing with problems

“That’s the greatest strength – having my sisters to give me encouragement, say my ideas are ok. In areas where I’m weak, my sisters make up for it. We’re stronger as a whole.”

- Angella Ahn, The Ahn Trio, internationally known chamber music group made up of three sisters

We’re biased, we admit it. As business partners who have been friends since high school, of course we’re going to cite the pros of working with friends and family! Frankly, we can’t imagine a better way of working. Our collaboration has been so enriching and meaningful it inspired us to write a book – Between us we have it all celebrates the success and sanity that come from women’s partnerships.

But don’t take our word for it.

Take the word of the 60 women business partners across the US who eagerly shared their stories about all they’ve gained, professionally and personally, from teaming with women they trust. These women who include mothers and daughters, sisters and friends are working together to lead cutting-edge businesses, write best-selling books, produce award-winning movies and accomplish major goals.

The secret to their success? It all boils down to trust. Collaboration only succeeds when partners trust each other – when they have full faith and confidence in each other’s competence, commitment and integrity.

The truth is, it’s a whole lot easier to trust someone when you know them well. You can relax, be yourself, let your guard down.

That doesn’t mean that friendship and family ties are pre-requisites for harmonious collaborations. Partners who didn’t have past relationships report being satisfied by working together. However they had to start their connection from scratch while knee-deep in the stressful process of constructing a business.

We realize that a prior relationship is no guarantee of success. As anyone who has ever witnessed a friendship exploding or family feuding over a business gone bad can confirm, breaking up is hard to do. But, based on our experience and interviews with partners, we know that when families and friends nurture the relationships at the core of their business, the results are rewarding, productive and satisfying.

6 Steps for Success:

Start fresh. You are entering a new relationship with people you know well. Put away your assumptions and memories and carve out new roles.

Be honest. Be clear with yourself and your partners about your expectations for the partnership and the business. Take time to think through and discuss your collective hopes, fears and expectations for now and the future.

Inventory skills. Do you really have what it takes to lead this business together? What skills and experience do you each bring to the collaboration? What’s missing? How will you fill in the gaps?

Face conflict. Conflict is a part of every relationship, new or old. It’s how it’s handled that matters. Sometimes conflict is easier to manage for family and friends who are comfortable honestly communicating together. But in many cases the opposite is true and old dynamics have to be redefined to successfully face new issues.

Forecast the future. There’s a reason 50% of new businesses fail. Life happens! What if … a child is sick, a partner has to relocate, the work isn’t financially viable, priorities change, other opportunities arise? Thinking through the toughest scenarios now will prepare you for future challenges.

Document how you’re going to work together. We strongly recommend that you and your partner meet with a lawyer to document an official partnership agreement. This document clarifies your roles, determines how you’ll handle major conflict, outlines the terms of your business relationship and goes a long way in helping to preserve the relationship at the core of your business.

It’s so easy to get sucked into an awkward spot when doing business with friends. It can start out as an exchange of expertise (a barter of the minds, if you will). Add in a dollop of friendly advice and MasterMinding. Mix together in a bowl . . . and watch the uglies emerge.

One colleague (”Joanne”) spent months helping her college friend, “Darla,” develop her website and blog. Joanne shared all sorts of valuable information about how to drive traffic, target influencers and handle the process of blogging so that itwouldn’t overwhelm the rest of Darla’s business. Joanne also thought she’d get something out of it: Darla has a lot of expertise in an industry that Joanne wanted to break into. So Darla seemed the perfect case study.

One day, Darla told Joanne that she had a potential client for her–another company wanting to start a blog. But there was a hitch: Darla wanted a finder’s fee. This got Joanne’s nose out of joint, given all she had done for Darla. For free. After a lot of back-and-forth, Darla says, “Oh, never mind–I’ll just help the client do it on my own. I’m not really competing with you, anyway, for the business.” Joanne was furious . . . and bewildered. After all the time she had spent with Darla–had she unwittingly ended up training her next competitor?

Here are some ways that Joanne could have managed the relationship better:

• Put a limit on the amount of time she was prepared to spend for free.
• Make it clear (ideally, in writing) that this would be a barter relationship and determine how she wanted to be “paid.”
• Given Darla just enough information to understand the process, but not so much that Darla could build a business on it.
• Treat Darla like any other client and have her sign a non-compete, saying she won’t use the infomation in connection with a competing business.

You can click  here and here for other tips I’ve written about nagivating the potentially rough seas of working with friends and family.

Editor’s Note: Work Her Way Expert Nina Kaufman has also created The Entrepreneur’s Pre-Nup, a great resource for anyone considering entering a business partnership, whether it’s with a friend, a relative, or a business contact.

In high school, didn’t a part of you always wonder how the cool kids did it? Popularity remained an enigmatic aspect of human existence that ceased to be relevant once we threw our caps in the air…right?

There are scores of research studies on popularity in schools, and most have indicated that popular children are viewed as better students and make and maintain friendships more easily. In 2009, however, organizational psychologists Timothy Judge and B.A. Scott at the University of Florida demonstrated that popularity plays a significant role on success in the workplace. They defined popularity as being “accepted by one’s peers” and conceptualized it as a function of both an employee’s personality and the situational position within his group.

As a result of studying two samples of employee populations, professors Judge and Scott reported that co-workers reliably agreed about who was popular on their team – and who wasn’t. Co-workers also felt that an employee’s popularity was associated with receiving more favorable treatment at work. Why? Judge and Scott suggest that popular employees are rewarding to interact with for both emotional and instrumental reasons. In addition to being “fun to be with,” popular individuals are thought to increase co-worker status by association and make it easier to get things done.

Meg Cabot just wrote a book for teens called How to Be Popular, but rest assured, I’m not going to make you read it. Instead, here are some painless tips for increasing your popularity on the office social circuit.

• Be interested in other people: Human beings love to talk about themselves and be listened to. By taking the time to learn about what a co-worker deems important and inquiring about those things, you’ll make her happy and encourage her to like you.
• Shift attention away from yourself: Don’t chat on endlessly about what you and your boyfriend or girlfriend did over the weekend, and if a co-worker broaches a particular topic, don’t immediately turn the discussion to your own experiences. Instead of trying to be admired, be admiring.
• Eradicate self-consciousness: People who lack confidence make others feel nervous and awkward. When conversing with co-workers, try to be natural and relaxed, without worrying about how you’re being perceived.
• Organize team building activities: You don’t have to be your department’s cheerleader, but it’s nice to occasionally take charge of getting the group together for drinks or another fun activity after work or during the holidays. Most people like to be social, and the individual who takes responsibility for being the organizer usually gets popularity points.
• Help whenever you can: Always be generous with your knowledge, expertise, and time without expecting anything in return. People like those who they can count on in times of stress and who are willing to pitch in without making a big production out of it.

It looks like 2010 is off to a cautiously optimistic start. We’re told the economy is rebounding. The Dow Jones Industrial Average is above 10,000 points and many Wall Street banks are expecting a blockbuster year. On the flip side, 85,000 jobs were lost in December, unemployment figures hover at 10 percent, and Main Street business owners remain frustrated, unable to secure loans that would in turn create jobs. So what gives?

As we kick off the new year against this discordant backdrop, employers feel like they’re stranded in uncharted territory. Many new workplace obstacles have emerged as a direct result of the recession, among them the question of how to show appreciation in the workplace when limited (or non-existent) funds are available. As one client put it, “I know how to incent my staff when the bonus dollars are there, but what do I do to motivate employees now that the bonus dollars have dried up?”

After hearing so many reiterations of this question, I created a survey on the topic called Gratitude in the Workplace. After being announced in my last newsletter,  more than 150 surveys were completed. Nearly 90 percent of the respondents came from the following five industries:

•Finance/Insurance
•Scientific/Technical
•Health Care/Social Assistance
•Advertising/Marketing/Communication
•Education/Not-for-Profit
•Manufacturing
Thank you to everyone who took the time to fill out the survey. I very much enjoyed hearing your input. We promised to share the results with you, so here goes.

Thirty-three percent of the respondents report that the recession has negatively impacted how appreciated they feel at work. But despite budget cuts and spending freezes, it appears there are still plenty of things employers can do to make employees feel valued.

Of course people still want money, and we received an avalanche of comments reiterating this rather obvious fact. But remove money as a reinforcer from the equation and, believe it or not, good old-fashioned (also cost free!) verbal praise and public acknowledgment ranked highest in determining how appreciated folks felt at work, with 84 percent of the total respondents citing both methods as effective. And for some people, verbal praise and public acknowledgement ranked even higher than cold hard cash. One respondent stated, “The most important methods do NOT involve money, but taking notice when an employee goes above and beyond. Many supervisors miss this point.” Greater flexibility in schedules, such as flextime or telecommuting, also ranked high, while breaks from the daily grind were considered the least beneficial.

The survey findings delight me on multiple counts. They demonstrate that even in these dark times, there is still much that can be done to increase positivity in the workplace. More importantly, they reveal what I believe to be a silver lining to the current economic crisis. Stripped of the cash once relied on to motivate staff, managers must get creative when it comes to incenting employees. Eighty-five percent of the survey respondents were from mid or senior levels at their companies, so I know that many of my readers are in positions where you supervise others. For you, becoming adept at soft skills that demonstrate appreciation to workers is just what the doctor ordered and the recession requires! Here are a few of the most valuable ones:

•Encouraging employees to express their ideas and listening to their input
•Trusting direct reports to do their jobs
•Being respectful and aware of individual differences
•Becoming more mindful communicators
I’ve poured over the data and have compiled the following results, along with some practical ideas on how to show and deliver appreciation in the workplace during the (not so) Great Recession.

Expressing Thanks Is Essential

I’ve said it before, and the survey reinforces this simple fact: people like being thanked when they do a good job. How’s that for a cheap way to make the workplace more positive? Now try taking your appreciation to the next level. When you write thank you notes via email, one respondent suggested cc’ing HR and higher management. Or, instead of dashing off an email, write a handwritten note and send it to an employee’s home address so they get a little unexpected surprise. One respondent reported, “One of the nicest thank yous I ever received at work was a simple handwritten note from a Sales VP. The note seemed sincere, not just a ‘form’ note and it was completely unexpected, which somehow made it more valuable.” If bonuses are out of the question but there is still a little bit of cash in the coffer, many respondents effused about how nice it is to receive little items at work, such as gift cards to Starbucks, Amazon, or iTunes. If your company didn’t give out bonuses last year, consider handing out some little tokens of appreciation instead. Even better, make the gifts personal by giving things you know a particular person would especially appreciate—concert tickets to a music lover or a kitchen gadget to a cooking aficionado.

Make It Public

Sixty-nine percent of respondents said that they wish public acknowledgment was being used more frequently at their workplace to express appreciation and motivate staff. Many mentioned really enjoying the recognition programs already in place at their companies. “We have small monetary awards ($100) with a public shout out for people who do something above and beyond what’s expected.” In the past year, people have been bombarded with bad news so implementing performance awards is a useful tool for creating a happier environment. As one respondent said, public appreciation is a “great way to change the atmosphere and energy.” So, don’t feel bad if monetary awards are out of the question. Respondents indicated that even a little awards ceremony along with a certificate could give staff a big morale boost.

One Size Does Not Fit All

Of the survey respondents, only 41 percent report feeling either appreciated or very appreciated at work. For those that feel otherwise (the majority of respondents), one major factor is a sense that the praise they receive comes across as insincere or canned. Dashing off a generic thank you that’s not personalized can actually do more harm than good. Be sure to let those you’re appreciating know specific things about them and their performance that you value and how their individual talents contribute to the team. Additionally, before deciding how you’re going to show appreciation to a specific person, consider their personality. “What works for one will not always work for the next. You could make someone very uncomfortable if you gave them public acknowledgment and they were very shy,” pointed out one manager respondent. Another manager said she keeps an eye out for information (articles, comics, etc.) that she thinks specific members of her team will like. “I’ll send these items to them with a note of appreciation to let them know that I thought of them.”

Pay Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

When dispensing praise, don’t forget to recognize folks from across all departments and those you may not see on a daily basis (behind the scene workers, telecommuters, etc). One participant wrote, “There are many operational people who work hard and no one realizes how critical their role is. I’d like to see those people recognized, too.” If you don’t pay equal attention to your entire staff, your attempts at appreciation may backfire. “One problem in the organization I’m in is that perks to show appreciation are not uniform across the organization. When you see people in another group who work down the hall getting picnics thrown for them and gifts given to them as rewards for their hard work, it makes it really hard for those not in that group to not feel resentful and unappreciated.”

Opportunities For Growth

This point came through loud and clear: When budgets are in the deep freeze and employees aren’t getting the bonuses or raises that they typically receive, one thing that can really be effective in showing staff that you value them is to provide opportunities for professional growth. Many of the following options can be done on a limited budget:

•Coaching or mentoring opportunities
•Lunch and learns
•Attendance at seminars/conferences/trainings
•Special assignments/projects that the employee is interested in and may be outside of their day-to-day job
•Paid time off for volunteer work

Attention & Acknowledgment

It’s always important to let staff members know you listen to them and appreciate their input, and it’s particularly important now. Anxiety and stress are running rampant, and knowing they are part of a team instead of working in isolation helps alleviate these symptoms. When asked what appreciation methods they would like to see being used more in their workplace, many respondents said they want more face time with supervisors. “I sometimes feel that my immediate supervisor simply doesn’t have time to bother and that’s a shame.” Another wrote, “What do I want to see more of at work? Better listening skills of those in managerial positions.” Even if people’s requests can’t be acted on, it’s crucial that you acknowledge that you heard their input. Your staff is out there on the front line every day, and may have some critical information or suggestions that could benefit the entire team or company. So listen up.

Give The Gift Of Time

Overall, the survey data demonstrates that managers are pretty savvy when it comes to knowing what works in showing appreciation to staff members. We asked respondents to rank how appreciated they feel at work and then asked them to rank how appreciated they think those they supervise feel. The numbers for both questions were quite similar, give or take a few percentage points. However, when given the opportunity to elaborate, supervisors tended to write about fun get togethers and outings as effective in motivating employees while employees focused more on flex time and unexpected time off. Giving people comp time after completing a large project, permission to leave early on a slow Friday, or the ability to telecommute a day or two per week—in other words, giving people the gift of time—might be a better way to show appreciation than by birthday celebrations in the break room, pizza parties, or lunches at the local Chinese joint.

Trust and Freedom

Here’s where one of the soft skills I mentioned earlier will come in very handy. When you have a competent staff member, letting go and trusting them to do the job will not only make your life easier but will make them happier, too. One respondent wrote, “I don’t think people are looking for less work. I think they’re looking for meaningful work and an atmosphere of trust from their supervisors.” Another said, “I want more responsibilities and more freedom in managing my own world. Basically, I want signs that supervisors and management have enough confidence in my work that they can lessen their reins of micromanagement.”

Don’t Know What Will Work?

I bet your employees do! One terrific suggestion we got was to “create a team grab bag where team members get to select from a list of choices—i.e., dinner gift certificates, half day off without using existing personal time, one hour of mentoring with an executive, etc.” How’s that for being democratic?

No matter what kind of work you do, you need to rely on other people.  In fact, even if you don’t work, you need to rely on others.
 
This became very clear to me just the other day as I was visiting with a new mother and her baby.

 
During our visit, she complained incessantly about how tired she was because she couldn’t get her husband to help as much as she would like.  Shortly after hearing all of her woes, I experienced first-hand the root of her problem.
 
She was criticizing her husband too harshly and as a result, he was demoralized and didn’t engage very much with their child.  My guess is that after hearing all of her criticisms, he wasn’t feeling very competent.
 
To my ears, her criticism sounded something like this:

• “Don’t pick her up that way; you are going to hurt her.”
• “Please don’t feed her that way, she needs to be more upright.”
• “Keep your voice lower, you are going to over-stimulate her.”

Poor guy, it seems that whatever he did, it wasn’t right or good enough for his wife.
 
I know this mother loves her husband and wants him to be involved with their child and she also is doing her best at being the best mother she can be.  She is well-intentioned in every possible way.
 
I tell this story not because I want to fault this woman, but rather to highlight that even when you have the best intentions to do the right thing you can often unintentionally demoralize and cause others to disengage when you are looking for the exact opposite behavior.

Work situations are no exception.

 
Leaders who successfully get others to deliver results for them know how to manage criticism.  Criticism is important for course correction, but understanding how to manage it for optimal impact is essential, especially during these difficult times.

 
At the foundation of behavior modification is ensuring the person has a positive belief in their abilities.
 
This mother will have the greatest ability to impact her husband’s behavior if she is able to validate and reinforce his ability to parent his child as opposed to crushing it; which is what her harsh criticism is doing.

 
Too often, we focus on what isn’t right and how to fix it, as opposed to focusing on what’s right and how to build on it.

 
When your kids come home with a report card with all A’s and one C, the first question most parents will ask is “Why did you get the C?”  The better question is “How can you become the best in the class where you achieved an A?”

 
Leaders always focus on what has been done well.

 
Focusing on strengths is one of the best ways to manage criticism. 
 
In all of the interactions this father has with his child, there must be several things he does exceedingly well.  His wife needs to focus first on these areas. From that foundation, behavior in the “weaker” areas may improve.  The best way to influence behavior is through positive affirmations, not negative ones. 
 

Next time you find yourself surrounded by a bunch of “under performers,” ask yourself a few questions:

•  Am I criticizing this person too harshly?
• Am I focusing only on what is being done wrong? 
• Have I validated and reinforced the things this person is doing right? 
• Can I help this person build a positive belief that they are competent in some aspect of their work?

As we begin the new decade, it is a good time to see the “right” things others are doing.  Be a better leader and take time to build on the “right” things as opposed to criticizing the “wrong” things and you are bound to get the results you are looking for.

Don’t you hate it when…
You do the bulk of the work on a special project for your boss (including research, writing, making copies, collating and stapling) in addition to your daily responsibilities, yet when he presents the finished job to his boss and receives the highest praise, he somehow forgets to even mention your name.

Wouldn’t you love to…
Do the work on the special project, then quietly drop off a copy to your boss’s boss the day before it’s due with the following cover note, signed by you:
“As always, I did most of the work on this special project, but since my boss is too shy to give me credit, I wanted to bring this to your attention myself. It’s understandable why my boss was too busy to do the work himself. He’s busy attending two-hour, company-paid lunches at the most expensive restaurants each day. He’s also busy maintaining the illusion he’s hard at work when he’s actually surfing the net for dating sites, ordering designer underwear online and conducting conference calls for his personal club activities. So I hope you’ll give him the same understanding he has given me.”