Last week, I held a free teleclass for women on the “5 Reasons You’re Miserable at Work and What To Do About It,” based on key findings from my national research with scores of working women across the country and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough.  More than 90 women signed up for the call, and they confirmed yet again what so many women have been unable able to say out loud until now, which is, “I’m unhappy at work, but I’m not sure exactly why or what to do about it!”

Whether you are a corporate professional, self-employed or in transition, if you need to find a different way to work, don’t worry. Help is on the way!  And you’re definitely not alone.

Below are what I’ve found to be the top five reasons so many women are dissatisfied and unfulfilled at work, along with concrete tips to revise your situation and change course today.

The top 5 reasons women are miserable at work are –

1. They find it impossible to balance work and family
2. They suffer from chronic financial distress
3. They struggle using skills and talents that aren’t “natural” to them
4. They feel chronically undervalued and disrespected
5. They experience little joy or positive meaning in their work

If the above describes your experience, here are some tips to help you create an internal shift away from feeling trapped and disempowered, to feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today. (And feel free to write me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com if you’d like a download of the recording of the teleclass).

Tips for Positive Career Change:

Gain More Work-Life Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and in your professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about — that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of “to be” statements such as “to be a loving mother or “to be a successful entrepreneur” or “to be a helper of others.”

Uncover the three top achievements that you are longing to bring about in your life and work and that you will not compromise on.  Then commit yourself to these.  Discover where you are over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of being perfect in the areas that don’t matter as much to you.  Once you take these steps, you’ll find that balance comes more easily to you, because you are being guided each day by the knowledge of what you want to create, and knowing you are 1000% committed to doing it.

Get Healthy with Your Money

To get out of chronic financial distress, you must become intimately connected with your money and begin to recognize your real intrinsic worth.  First, create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Examine your spending – are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don’t have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial distress is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Once you create a supportive money relationship, you will no longer stay in jobs that create financial distress or drain you of joy and energy.  You’ll know your worth, and begin claiming it, on your professional path and otherwise.

Use Skills that Are Fun and Natural

It’s vitally important to understand exactly what talents and skills are easy and fun for you to use, and then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap these talents more frequently at work.  To get more in touch with what you love to do and what comes easily, take my free Career Path Assessment.  Figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again!  Often, what you love to do and what comes easily to you were apparent in your childhood, so start there.  What did you thoroughly enjoy as a kid that people noticed, admired and praised?  You might also realize in doing this exercise that just because you’re great at a task or endeavor at work doesn’t mean you like to do it!  The key to an easier and happier work-life is to use talents that come naturally and are fun to you, so that each day feels like a joy, not a struggle.

Claim Your Self-Respect

If you’re chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, you must start with SELF-respect.  How do you gain self-respect?  Through courageous action that inspires your own self-esteem – action that you know you should be taking, but haven’t found the nerve to take.  Now’s the time to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what’s important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won’t. 

Find Work that Gives Your Life Joy and Meaning

It’s a myth in our culture that we can’t make good money doing what we love.  However, it takes grit, determination, and courage to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially.  If you want more joy and meaning — and financial success at the same time — determine what endeavors and activities make you joyful in your life, and begin today to bringing these forward.  The key is to understand 1) the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it. For instance, you might love to sing (as I do), and wonder if singing to earn money would make you happy.  To find out if a new path is right for you, research, research, research – interview people in the field, read all about the art and craft of singing professionally, take classes, find a mentor, and determine a way to “try it on’ before you leap.  You might discover that earning money singing as a full-time living isn’t for you, but you love to do on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that’s the case, join a volunteer or community singing group each week, and honor this as a heart-aligned endeavor. 

If you discover that you want a different line of work from your current job, create a plan that allows you to 1) research thoroughly what you want to do, 2) “try it on” as a volunteer or on part-time basis, then 3) commit to moving toward this new path with a solid financial plan, support of family and friends (and a coach if you’d like one), along with a step-by-step blueprint for what it will take to reinvent your career.

The Ultimate Outcome – Joy!

It’s up to you to create a career that you love, and you can do it!  Start today.  Let the top five reasons you’re miserable at work be the catalyst you need to change your career and change your life.  Trust me on this one…once you step up to creating a career that excites you, you’ll reach new heights you never thought possible.

This morning I find myself drifting in thought back to a time when becoming a “successful” businessperson was the most important thing in my life. Successful, by its very nature is a subjective and personal term. For me, it meant to have succeeded in business to a level that would attract an interview by CNBC.

Having been born to a German farming family, I held the belief that success was dependent upon hard work. If I was consistent and earnest in my efforts success would eventually take root and grow. Simply put, if I wasn’t experiencing the level of success I desired, I was just not working hard enough.

Then came my 30’s and after extensive education, both in academia, life experiences and zen-type philosophy, I concluded that my lack of abundance was due to the fact that I was not streamlining my actions and thoughts. I needed to work smarter, direct my thoughts towards a belief in my ability to achieve and promote balance in my life. Armed with this new insight I was convinced my high-level success was just around the corner.

After years of exhaustive effort I came to the realization that my goals where unrealistically high and restructured my overaggressive ambitions. Instead I concentrated locally to build a consistent and reliable client base. And yes, I did have several years where I made good money and although CNBC never contacted me I was interviewed by local media and sought as a speaker on panels. Those close encounters fed me with the false belief that I was actually getting somewhere—I was sure CNBC would be calling next. But in the end, I had invested countless hours in activities that brought “enough” but never a level of recognizable success that I desired.

When I was at the top of my game the recession hit. I saw business owners who had struggled for years to reach retirement age with an accumulated level of savings, just to lose everything. I was completely dismayed and questioned whether I was even chasing the right goals.

In response, I began spending more time climbing, which had always been my first love but I was too busy with my business to pursue. I climbed big and small mountains, reaaching18,500 feet with Orizaba in November. I went rock climbing every weekend in Joshua Tree and spent the winter ice climbing frozen waterfalls.

My desire to have CNBC interview me was a distant memory. I maintained my existing business relationships, accepted an adjunct teaching position and simply lowered my standard of living so I could survive on a smaller income. I no longer entertained thoughts about taking over the business world, being a guru or being interviewed by anyone. For about a year and a half I traveled over extended weekends, climbed and enjoyed life. My energy and time was invested towards improving my climbing skills. Keeping in style with my big thinking mentality I started planning to climb Denali in 2011. Oh and do I dare say….Everest?

So here I am now having come full circle, drinking my morning cup of coffee and contemplating my next “big” dream. However, I am in a conundrum. Embedded between my climbing and business life, I find myself wondering where I should put my energy next. I realize that every big goal I have sought has always remained just a fingertips length from my reach, persuading me to just push a little harder in the belief that the additional effort may make a difference. At 46, having lived many life experiences, I am beginning to lose faith in the pursuit. I question why some seem to succeed at everything they tackle and others have great experiences but simply fall short of winning the grand prize (or maybe the experience is the prize?)

I am reminded of a Rolling Stones song, “You can’t always get what you want…..but you get what you need.” Although as soon as I say that I am also reminded that the same person singing such profound wisdom went on to achieve high-level success. Oh and yet that brings me to another jewel of profound wisdom—the camp that says, “You should do what you love and the rest will come”.

I am tired of all the bumper sticker, self-help advice—do what you love…., consistence and persistence pays off, tell the Universe what you want…

With that, I will stop thinking about what to do and go back to business consulting, speaking, writing and rock, mountain and ice climbing. I have no idea about how to get “there” and no longer even know where “there” is but at the least I know those things make me happy. And with that—maybe I have finally figured it all out.

In preparing to launch my new summer Career Change teleseminar program – Change Your Career—Change Your Life!, I’ve been thinking about why it’s so hard for many midlife women to find — and maintain — a joyful and successful career, and why it’s so challenging to shift out of one career into another, to a more fulfilling path.

In my personal experience, there were some very heavy blocks that kept me from realizing with clarity and confidence that I wanted out of my corporate marketing career, and from taking forward-moving action to get out.

My blocks were:

1) Time – I had invested so much time in building a marketing career (18 years, in fact), that it seemed ludicrous to “throw it all away.”

2) Ego – My ego told me that I had worked so hard to achieve a powerful position in the corporate hierarchy (in my last corporate position, I was a Vice President), that I didn’t want to step back and be a beginner again, and lose so much ground

 3) Confusion – If I were to chuck this professional identity, what would I do instead?  Despite years of trying to answer this question, I couldn’t figure out.  Sure, I fantasized about being in the film industry or doing something exciting and glamorous – but what did I really want to do?  What would I do if I won the lottery?  I couldn’t find a new path that made sense.

 4) Money – I earned a lot, and believed I needed every cent of that to provide myself and my family the living we needed and wanted.

 5) Going against the pack – Most people in our lives want us to do the safe, reasonable and secure thing.  They don’t want us to suffer, or to lose everything.  So they tell us – strongly and loudly – to play it safe. 

 6) The unknown – finally, I didn’t want to change because I wanted what I had to work out for me, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Truthfully, I was scared to death to leap into the unknown.

 Now, eight years into my career reinvention, I see things differently.  I can say that none of the reasons above are sufficient to keep you stuck in a career you hate.  Loosen the vice-like grip these fears have on your life, your soul, your mind, and your livelihood, and you’ll find the courage and energy to begin to change your career, and change your life.

So here’s a new way to look at the challenges above:

TIME:

Every minute you DON’T make the changes you long for, is a minute you spend holding yourself back from the growth and expansion that you know – deep down – that you need and want.  Also, after revising your career to something you like better, you’ll find that you will use fully and joyfully each and every heart-felt talent and skill that you worked so hard to develop in the past.

EGO:

Achievements are – in the end — meaningless if they don’t resonate with your heart and soul.  Don’t let your ego lead you around by the nose.  If it does, you’ll find that your hard-won recognition and achievement will leave you feeling empty and sad.

CONFUSION:

Yes, it’s hard to sort out the “sounds-great!” career change ideas from those that will really make you happy.  It’s hard, but not impossible.  Find some great coaching and mentoring help today to do it.  Get unconfused.

MONEY:

We all want and need money.  The question is – how much do you truly need to make to be happy, fulfilled, and enjoy your life?  And what is your relationship with money – is it healthy and balanced, or are you a slave to it, addicted to having “things” surround you, because in fact, you feel depleted and joyless?

THE PACK:

The pack mentality is a fear-based, group think that doesn’t support innovation, individuality, and risk.  So which type of person do you want to be– a pack-like follower, or a cutting-edge thinker and leader?

THE UNKNOWN:

Here’s a fascinating truth– it’s ALL unknown, folks.  If you think you’ve got it figured out, and that what you carved out for yourself is going to be constant and unchanging, please do think again.  Life is change.  The universe WILL deliver to you continual opportunities for you to experience your own adaptability and resilience.  So, what would you rather do – embrace your resilience and proactively find a new path now that brings you joy, or do nothing, and let life foist change on you?

If you truly want a career change, I hope you’ll begin on a path today to making it happen.  Help is all around you!

I’d love to know what holds you back MOST from taking action to change your career, and what you need specifically to help you move forward? 

Please share your comments below – I LOVE your input (and it will help me deliver a fantastically powerful career-change program this summer)! 

We’ve all heard the unemployment numbers, and we know that the job market in the States is a trial by fire for even the most accomplished professionals. And, according to President Obama, things are likely to get worse before they begin to get better. 

International unemployment rates are also expected to rise as part of a struggling global economy, but American workers may still have better luck finding jobs overseas. Many Americans are already outsourcing themselves to countries where they can afford to live on the strength of the dollar, where they can find satisfying work, and where they can reap the benefits of living in another culture. 

For decades, college students have been taking a year abroad to increase their understanding of the world, not to mention their joy at being a part of it. But why should this wonderful experience be limited to the beer-pong-in-the-hostel crowd? If you find yourself hurting for work, and ready to pack it all in, why not pack up and head abroad? 

Get by on a Smile …
 … and an open mind. College students are encouraged to take a year abroad because doing so advertises to potential employees that these young people possess a skill set that will make them successful anywhere in the world. Yes, it helps if you know the language, but you’ll learn that by being immersed in it once you’re there. What you’ll really need, both in and outside the good ol’ U.S. of A, are strong social skills that include the ability to work effectively with others and embrace diversity, and enough flexibility and adaptability to keep you thinking on your feet. 

They don’t teach this stuff in any classroom, which is why foreign travel has become a de facto resume requirement for the twenty-something set. Going abroad hones problem-solving and creativity, but also exposes the brain to new possibilities and scenarios. Remember that you’re competing with these recent college grads in the job market, so consider your time outside the U.S. as 21st century professional development; it’s what will keep you in the game, especially when the other players are twenty-somethings. 

If You’re Looking for a Career Move …
If, for whatever reason you’re considering a permanent move, but you don’t want to interrupt your career track to go abroad, there are ways to take your job with you. You might not have the exact job you have right now, and it might take a couple of years of planning, but it is doable to accomplish your career goals overseas, especially if you’re in particularly international fields like business or communications. 

The first step is to do your research. Are jobs in your field outsourced? Do you know which companies send workers abroad? Investigate trade publications for leads and chase them down. That way, when you propose a move to your boss, you’ll be armed with information. 

Also remember that certain areas in the United States outsource more jobs to specific areas. Debra Peters-Behrens, a career counselor at the University of California in Santa Barbara, encourages those who want to work abroad to build a strong starting point stateside. If you want to work in the Asian Pacific Rim, for example, you’ll have a better chance of doing so from Seattle, Portland, or San Francisco. For Latin America, consider relocating to Miami, Houston, or San Diego. And major cities like New York, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C. do business all over the world. Sure, this is a little more complicated than simply packing your bag and jetting off, but it will really strengthen your chances of finding a steady job overseas. 

If You Just Need a Break …
Of course, you may not be able to find a job in the States as a starting point—that was the whole point of going abroad, right? If you need to get away fast, and make money doing it, you’ve got options. Again, take a lesson from the undergrads; there are plenty of opportunities to get them abroad for a year or so and keep them in cheap, local wine. Why not you, too? 

If you like kids, or if you’re not that into striking out totally on your own, consider finding a position as an au pair. Au pairs (literally, “living on equal terms”) are usually single women (sometimes men) between the ages of eighteen and thirty (or older!), who want a chance to study a foreign culture and language while living cheaply with an overseas family. Au pairs typically work in France, especially Paris, but they’re in huge demand all over the globe, thanks to parents who want their kids to learn English at a young age. The cons: you may have to put up with difficult kids, and you’re on call 24/7. The pros: the immersion will have you speaking fluently in no time, and living with a family will do a lot to combat the ex-pat loneliness. 

Teaching English abroad is also a great way to see the world, and there are tons of opportunities to do so with minimal training. Most programs require only a bachelor’s degree in any major, although candidates with TEFL or TESOL experience are usually allowed more flexibility in choosing their destination, and are paid more, too. The Peace Corps and Fulbright programs are also options, although you don’t need to be a part of these organizations to go abroad. The great thing about most teach-abroad programs is that they’ll usually take care of visa issues for you and offer you plenty of support while you’re out of the States. This is a better option for those who don’t have a particular destination in mind, however, since you can’t always have control over where in the world the program places you. (The greatest demand for English teachers is in Asia and Eastern Europe.) 

If You Need to Be Reminded That You Don’t Have It so Bad …
Frankly, you’re not going to make a mint by going abroad. You may have better luck finding a job and covering your basic expenses there than here, but unless you’re being sent over as an executive in a million-dollar company, living outside the United States is more about having a priceless experience than chasing cash. Why not help others as you gain your new, worldly perspective? Not only will you rack up those karma points, but you’ll remind yourself that, even if the job market is hard for you, other people in the world have things much harder.

Though there are many eco- and volun-tourism groups that wealthy travelers pay big bucks to arm themselves with dinner party stories about feeding cows in Guatemala, there are also plenty of reputable organizations, like Volunteer Abroad, that will provide you with room and board while you work. Several even offer you the possibility of deferring your student loans while with them (assuming you still have student loans). These programs vary from the summer work-camp style, for which you should apply in March through May, to the longer-term commitment of the Peace Corps and its fellows, for which you’ll need six to nine months to get through the application process. They require a little more planning and a lot more work, but in terms of having a structure and purpose abroad, as well as a chance to make a difference, overseas volunteer programs are the way to go. 

Build Your Resume, Build Your Life
Even if the whole recession thing blows over in a few months, going abroad now will give you a huge boost when employers do start hiring again. Not only will you have a resume greater than the Wall of China, but you’ll have gained a new outlook on why you’re even working in the first place. Regardless of whether you spend your time abroad harvesting organic produce in a third-world country or cutting the crusts off of little Maurice and Gigi’s croques monsieurs, you’ll still see far more of the world than you ever would from an unemployment office.

By Divine Caroline  writer Molly Mann.

In my work as an Ideas Coach, I have a client who is a guru to many.  Her mind is so fast, her insights are completely on target and she is way smarter than me.  At first, I was a bit intimidated.  I felt a lot of pressure to keep up with her, to dazzle her to earn my keep.  What this looked like in our consulting sessions was that I stopped listening and found myself competing.  This had never happened before.

Wait a minute, I thought to myself.  She had hired me after all, she needed something and getting caught up in her brilliant analyses wasn’t helping.  I noticed that this mental activity that had made her successful was also the same thing that was actually stopping her from moving forward with the idea she was developing.  Her head was so high up in the clouds that she couldn’t figure out what the next step was because it was so mundane that it was invisible to her.

It made me think about blind spots.  We all have them.  For some women, they can’t see nice guys.  Nice, stable men are literally invisible to them.  Since we don’t see with our eyes but rather with our brains, how we feel impacts our visual processing system.

For this woman, it meant that the most basic choices were not apparent.  And not being able to see them, she couldn’t take them and stayed instead with what she loved and was good at, the high-level talk.

It took me a minute but I realized that my role here was not to be as smart as she was, it was to point a finger to the place where her feet met the ground.  I pulled out of her reality and saw that the steps forward were simple.  There was a little bit of Google research to do.  A proposal to write and the first draft didn’t have to be perfect. 

Once we discussed this, there was a bit of a pause.  I worried that this might not be exciting enough for her.  It certainly wasn’t as stimulating as our earlier blue-sky talks.  But it was real and necessary and that ground was the location of the path that would move her towards her dream.  It was really simple.  She got it and that pause turned into an exhale.  She was ready to take her next step.

HOMEWORK

- How is thinking about your idea blinding you from what you have to do?

- If you tend to be very mental, walk barefoot outside in the dirt, or if it’s too cold, get a small garden box indoors and grow some herbs by the window.  Dirt is real.  It will quiet the distractions so you can find your toehold up the mountain that is your development process.

I’m pretty lucky.  I had parents who placed my value and worth in who I was, and encouraged me to be myself.   Still, if I’m completely honest, I think my parents always believed more in my talents and abilities than I did.  Actually, if I’m completely honest, it’s possible that they still do.  On the talent front alone, dad is convinced I’m a better singer than I actually am — and mom is convinced I’m a better writer than I actually am.  Well, in my mind anyway. 

And that would be my first bit of advice to my younger self:

Give Up Perfection

Give it up.  It’s not going to happen and isn’t possible anyway.  You won’t look perfect, compared to those women in the magazines – you know, the women who don’t actually look like that anyway (thanks to photographing with lighting, angles, etc – adding in airbrushing and the other wonders of Photoshop, trying to live up to an ideal that doesn’t exist to begin with can get exhausting)

You also won’t be Cartier-Bresson the moment you pick up a camera or Hemingway the moment you start to write, but that’s okay.  You aren’t meant to be like them anyway.  You’re meant to develop your own unique combination of strengths, talents, and gifts.  You’re meant to forge your own path, be true to yourself, to your calling and your journey.

And you know?

You’re ‘Better’ Than You Think You Are

I heard an interview with Carrie Fisher once where she talked about how much she hated how she looked when she was in Star Wars because she thought she was fat.   But now, she looks back at photos from that time and thinks she was prettier (and thinner) than she thought at the time.  So she realizes that 20 years from now she’ll look at pictures of herself now and think the same thing.

I’d tell that ‘younger me’ that she’s smarter than she thinks she is, more talented than she thinks she is, more capable than she thinks she is, prettier than she thinks she is.  I’d tell her that she just needs to know that, and run with it.   Again, I’d tell her that she has strengths and gifts that are uniquely hers, combined with a personality and a voice that only she can bring to the world in her own unique way.  I’d tell her ‘there’s only one you and only ever will be one ‘you’, embrace that and fulfill that as much as you possibly can.’

Of course, the thing that got in the way of that more than anything back then came down to one thing — boys.  Well, boys and the roles I thought had to be played.  Between the boys and the bosses who repeatedly told me to be small, to keep silent, to hold back my truth, to be less than I am, I wish my younger self would have known:

Be All of Who You Are & Find People Who Can Take It

Rather than playing small for others, realize that them asking you to do that says more about their feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.  Don’t play small for them, find others who play as big a game as you do.  They’re out there, you know.  You might have to do some work to find people who can let you be as strong, as powerful, as confident, as talented, as smart as you are…..but they’re out there.

Compromise, an argument many of those people will make to convince you to change for them, is necessary in relationships, but being less than you are isn’t compromise — it’s self-destruction.  It’s destroying parts of you just to make someone else comfortable and not only is that not healthy for either party — it won’t last anyway.  You won’t be able to maintain it, living small.  Find the real friends.  Hold out for the real deal.

And mostly, I’d tell my younger self, you won’t get any of that until you find God.

Goodbye Insecurity, Hello True Value & Worth

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…. Jeremiah 1:5

Find God, and in Him, find yourself.  Make Him the center of your life.  Let Him make you into who He designed you to be, and bring the opportunities and destiny He has planned for you.  (Find out for yourself who God says you are.  Don’t let man tell you who he thinks God says you are.)

Delight yourself also in the Lord,  And He shall give you the desires of your heart.  Psalms 37:4

Find the desires of your heart that He has given you, and the talents and strengths He’s given you to fulfill those desires.  Find the ways you can contribute, be of service to the world, and make a difference.  Make THAT your mission.

And then:

Forgive Yourself Because You’re Going to Mess it Up

I’d tell that younger version of me a few other things too.  Things like…..the thing you think is the end of the world right now really isn’t.  In fact, some of the biggest ‘tragedies’ of your life will eventually look like mere blips on the radar screen of your life.  And you’re going to mess some things up.  You can only know what you know.  You’ll do the best you can given what you know and the circumstances you’re in — and as Maya Angelou says, when you know better, you’ll do better.  So cut yourself some slack.  Stop worrying so much, enjoy it all more.  Contribute.  Serve.  Use your talents and abilities to make a difference.  Let God handle the rest.

What would you tell your younger self?  What advice would you give future generations?

Love,

deb

(Photo credit:  No idea really, but that’s me about age 5; ironically since I wrote about Carrie Fisher, it’s complete with Princess Leia hair!  ;-))

As a career coach and researcher of working women’s work-life issues, I’ve embarked on a national research study on Women Succeeding Abundantly, in order to learn first-hand the essential ingredients in thinking, beliefs, choices, and behaviors that create and maintain “knock-your-socks-off success” in women. I’m learning from women who have the courage to raise their hands today and say, “Yes! I feel tremendously successful on my terms, and I have found the way to live life joyfully and with great gusto.”

Why is this topic important?

Because from where I sit there are precious few people on earth today who achieve a continual state of “feeling” successful, who know down to their toes that they are successful and don’t need external measures to continually validate it. And there are even fewer people who see their lives as a fantastic adventure in success rather than in failure.

I’m drawn to learn as much as I can from women who say “Yes I Am” abundantly successful, because I believe that when we feel successful in terms that are personal, meaningful, and self-defined, then we’re living a grand life of passion, power, and purpose, and having a ball doing it. We’re following the dictates of our own values, beliefs and priorities, and we’re shaping our destinies as want them, not as our prior conditioning, training and cultural influences taught us are “right.”

The first step I’m taking is to immerse myself in new learning. The second step is to reshape what I hear into a model that makes sense for me, and fits what I know to be true.

What I know to be true right now is that financial abundance is not the only way through which one can feel abundantly successful. However, in our society which is immersed in the energy of money, if you want financial abundance and have not been successful achieving it, then an internal feeling of success is virtually impossible – unless you intentionally create a shift within you that, in turn, allows for greater success.

So I’ve started there, understanding women’s relationships with money, success, achievement, recognition – the outer measures. I’m then peeling the layers down to look at the inner experiences and practices that abundantly successful women embrace and nurture to access their own power and success.

What is Necessary for a Successful Life Experience?

Here’s what I’ve learned in conducting this study and guiding my own life and those of my clients to greater success:

1. Nurture success

Without a consistent nurturing of your own internal feelings of success, the external measures of success won’t come to you (or if they do, they’ll be fleeting, come with struggle and strain, or feel deeply disappointing when they arrive). Find a way to reconnect to your internal knowing that you are indeed successful (despite what your outer situation is presenting in this moment).

2. Feel What You Long For and Know Why You Do

After establishing a practice of getting in touch with your internal success experience and embracing the fact that you have the power to improve your life situation, you must then understand what you truly want to create in your life, and know why you want it. Validate your longings — make yourself right instead of wrong for wanting them. (Usually, when people do this work, they realize they’ve been severely limiting themselves and want to break free of the box they’ve put themselves in. Sound familiar?)

3. Take Heart-Aligned Action

After knowing what you want to create, take action towards creating that reality. But this is where most of us get tripped up. Action of the wrong kind will keep you stuck and spinning. Instead, take only action that is heart-and-soul aligned. How do you know? Heart-aligned action feels right, or good, or relieving as you take it. It’s an outgrowth of who you really are. Never take action out of duress or desperation if you can avoid it – wait to take action until it feels right, or brings relief, or better yet, joy. Take action that supports what you know to be true.

4. Love the Process

Then, as life unfolds, learn to love the process of transition, change, and uncertainty, and get out of your own way of habitual attachment to what it “should” and “must” look like. So many folks want the outcome to be completely assured before they set out on the journey. It’s not going to happen that way, so relax, surrender, and enjoy the ride. Stop resisting and starting learning from your experiences so you can shape them into successes.

Make sense?

So let’s start now by getting in closer touch with our own internal relationship with success.

Ask yourself these questions today:

1) How do I personally define “abundant success”?

2) Deep down, do I truly want abundant success, or does the idea of having it intimidate or scare me? If so, what keeps me from wanting it?

3) How often do I feel successful in life and work?

4) If I feel less than successful most of the time, what specifically contributes to that “less-than-successful” evaluation of myself?

5) Finally, ask yourself, “What can I do today to begin to “feel” more successful internally. What steps can I take to remember and connect with all the ways that I HAVE been successful throughout my life and today, and to embrace more success going forward?”

I’m seeing the truth behind abundant success and here it is – it’s not as hard as you think it is to have it. It takes some revising of what you’ve been conditioned to think about how success occurs, along with some new access to your authentic emotions, courage to grow, validation of your deepest longings, new heart-aligned and planful action, and finally, a good dose of surrender. That’s not much, but it’s everything.

I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts about your experiences with abundant success, and what you know to be true about you and success. Please share your insights on my success blog post  – teach us about your experiences!

Thank you for sharing, and here’s to our many breakthroughs to abundant success!

Somehow, it seems as if we’ve all gotten this idea that if we are not satisfied, we can’t complain.  If we complain, then we are complainers and that is bad.  So, instead, we should hold in our complaints.  Think them, fine.  But, don’t say them.

For the longest time, I apologized for my high standards.  Still do sometimes.

But lately, I’m coming to terms with those standards, accepting and embracing them.  I have high standards.  I am high maintenance.  I value excellence in myself and others.

I appreciate these things about myself. (Well, that’s not entirely true yet, but the more I accept what I feel and communicate it, the more I will appreciate these things.)

And for now on when I enter into a relationship with someone and that relationship does not meet my needs, I will not feel guilty for having my high standards.  I will step into my power.

I will not stay quiet out of fear that I will look bad if I complain.

I will directly and without guilt communicate my dissatisfaction.  I will make this communication without emotion and allow the tension I feel in my shoulders and in my thighs to be as they are.  I will not try to make them go away by ignoring them.  I will feel those feelings in my body and communicate  from my heart.

And when I don’t do these things I say I will do, at least I will be aware of that.  And notice.

I just did this for the first time with someone working with me who is simply not living up to my standards.  In the past, I would hold my tongue and re-do their work after it was done by them.

I’m not willing to tolerate that anymore.  And yet there is this part of me that is scared to death.  It says “your standards are too high! no one is ever going to be able to do what you want them to do.  you’ll never be happy Alexis! be happy with what you’ve got.”

Just the other day, a woman inspired by my LIFT Manifesto wrote to me about a coach she paid a high 5-figure coaching fee to who led her completely astray and gave her what I consider some pretty bad advice (he allegedly told her to drop her coaching biz, pursue artistry and stand on a street corner to sell her art). In her letter she described that she was scared to death to ask for her money back from this coach even though she felt as if he damaged her business and her life with his advice.

In fact, she wasn’t only afraid to ask for her money back; she was afraid to tell him she was not satisfied with their coaching relationship.  She was worried about how it would make her look.

You know what? I’ve been there.  More than once, I’m afraid.

But not anymore.  I’m no longer going to be stopped by fear to say what I feel.  I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

What about you?  What do you do when you want to complain?  Do you hold it in?  Face it directly?  Talk about it with your friends?  I’d love to hear.

This is the third installment in international relations expert Catherine Lee’s unexpected journey back into the workforce. Read part one here, and read part two here.

Now is the time to act.  Step forward,  strut your stuff—determination, focus and thinking power.  Leave the comfort of your Internet and venture into the streets of humanity.  Your goal is a face-to-face[interview]. 

For two decades I had been excluded from the insiders—those employed.  I worried about everything from [what is a] buzz word to, will they recognize me as a suburban housewife, even though I never wear pink and lime green?  My husband encouraged me, “All intelligence is transferable.”  I worked hard to transfer, “Get in the car we’re running late, kiddos.” to “Time is money, let’s get this meeting started”.

 Network—that was the advice of everyone I asked.  The problem was my network was the pediatrician, Louie, owner of the hot dog stand, the vet and an occasional sales clerk.  My vision of networking was to throw out the “net”, see who falls in, and then hope it is “working”. 

Considerations for networking are:

• One contact has potential of ten more—cousins, uncles, colleagues and paramours.
• Document all contact information with a clue as to who they are. 
• Get to know the other person first—ask, ask and again ask.
• Build a relationship, focusing on their needs.
• Each face to face adds to your potential—be tenacious

 I found my connection standing in line for a dressing room at a January sale in a local woman’s shop.  I knew the woman in front of me, as an acquaintance. We chatted as we waited, luckily it was a long wait.  I told her I was in search of a businesslike suit that didn’t reek of pinstriped superiority.  She went home to her husband, an executive with Motorola and he gave me an introduction to a manager. 

Stalking For Work

15 months passed and I did not yet have a job.  So, I tenaciously stalked the Manager at Motorola [for a face to face] and secured a second meeting.   Out of his fear of my reaction to  “No”, he scheduled the meeting in the cafeteria of the corporate tower, a public enough place.  Over lunch I learned more about his responsibilities—I asked, he elaborated.  As we left each other I thanked him and said, “I am confidant something will surface that will match my experience.”  He jokingly responded with, “You’re just worried I am going to put you in charge of the local bake sale.”  With an infuriated calm I said, “No, from what I have observed in some areas of corporate, bake sales have been far better managed.

Later when I told my husband, he said, “In business buzz that is what we call ‘burning-a -bridge.’”    Did I burn the bridge?  Stay tuned.

As a coach and a psychotherapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of people each year who are going through dramatic change of some kind or another, and are in need of support from their families, friends, colleagues and others. We often discuss what healthy support is, and how it feels when we receive support that gives us the strength and confidence to persevere.

What does helpful support look like? From my perspective, positive support shows up in many ways, and is expressed verbally and non-verbally, through language, beliefs, attitudes, and behavior. Supportive people communicate that:

• They understand what you are doing and why, even if they don’t fully agree
• They are positive, encouraging, bolstering, and uplifting in their language, attitudes, and behavior
• They express their belief in your ability to succeed
• They communicate joy at your success and happiness (and truly feel it!)
• If/when they have concerns, they express them calmly and productively
• They know the difference between their agenda and yours

Overall, those who are truly supportive want you to be all you can be in this life, and express that desire in their actions and words.

So what can we do to elicit even more support from family and friends? Here are some tips that can help:

• Present your ideas “half-baked.” Allow others to brainstorm and problem-solve with you, which helps them to become more invested in your process and your progress. Avoid “done deals.”
• Open a dialogue about the support you need. Don’t go “underground” with your need for help.
• Make it clear what you need and want. Say to your family and friends: “It’s very important for me to have your support on this. May I please tell you what would be most helpful to me?”
• Identify actions that are specific, behavioral, and measurable in what you ask for. For instance, one client asked her spouse, “Honey, I would really like to take this new class which meets two nights a week for a month, but it would mean I’ll need some extra help with the kids. Would you be able to give them dinner and put them to bed while I’m at school?”
• Ask, “What can I do to make it easier for you to support me on this?” Then consider the answer, and take action on it.
• Finally, develop a support plan together that you all can buy into, and revisit frequently.

These small steps can make a big difference. But what can we do when we’re still not getting the support we need?

There are many factors that contribute to lack of support from family, friends, and colleagues. To understand the dynamic more fully, look at what’s going on from a process standpoint as well as a content level.

In other words, ask yourself, “What can my friend’s lack of support tell me about myself, my relationship with this individual, and the impact of this new step on his/her life that I should understand?” Sometimes, a friend is jealous of your success or your expansion, and just cannot be fully present or happy for you at this time. In this case, your compassion helps. But it also might point to the need for a stronger boundary to be developed, so that you will know if and when the right time comes to walk away or limit your interaction with this non-supportive friend.

Look at where you are not receiving support today. Get clear on where your buttons are being pushed in the process (what makes you become defensive, insecure, indignant, angry). By examining your own “process,” you’ll develop a deeper understanding of where you might need a bit more clarity, confidence, and courage to follow your new path.

Here is a crucial point many people don’t realize: Once you get completely clear and confident about your new direction, you’ll find that you are more able to attract into your life the type of support and assistance you need.
When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this new step feels right, you can move mountains, and you won’t let a few nay-sayers stand in your way.

Wishing you joyful and exciting transitions!