Today I read a great blog post by Peter Shankman – a well-known entrepreneur, author, speaker, and “worldwide connector,” about his recent tweet that said this:

I love this message, and I completely understand where Peter is coming from.  I also love that Peter commands $400 an hour, and is not ashamed to state it openly.

Scores of folks agreed with Peter – more than 100 people retweeted his message, supporting it with gusto.  But at least one woman REALLY didn’t like what she read.  In her blog post about it, she indicated that she thought Peter had grown too big for his britches with his “internet fame” and that he was, in fact, arrogant and rude to tweet this. 

After reading Peter’s blog response to her and hers back, I’m still not 100% clear what she thought was rude and arrogant.  But I think it’s about 1) his stating that he won’t help folks for free, and 2) that he commands $400 an hour (much more than what many people can charge and what many people can pay) and wasn’t shy to express that.

Peter’s blog response clarified his thoughts on the whole matter, and after reading his message, I liked him even more!

So here are my two cents on this issue:

1) I have been inundated this past year with requests – from organizations, individuals, agencies, women’s groups and colleagues — for all types of FREE coaching and consulting help, and frankly, I’m tired of it. 

2) Bravo to Peter Shankman for charging $400/hour, and having clients clamor for him, and pay that fee happily, because they feel he’s worth it

3) Bravo to Peter for telling it like it is for him, out loud and proud

4) For those who are uncomfortable with that, I’d suggest taking a deep look inside to identify exactly what makes you squeamish about it.  I’d guess it has do with that fact that 1) you don’t command those fees and can’t imagine doing so, or 2) you’re asking all sorts of people for free help without offering anything in return, or 3) you’re giving all sorts of free help, and you’re tired of it, or 4) you’re uncomfortable in the presence of people who know their worth and aren’t hesitant to shout it from the rooftops. 

Today was a turning point for me on this issue.  I’ve decided (after one final straw that really got my goat) that this is my last day of giving my time away free for my consulting or coaching.  I’m done with it!  My services, my time, my insights, my approach, my talents  – they’ve all come hard-earned after years of training, hard work, research, and dedication, and I’m done with devaluing them by giving them away for free.  Of course, I’ll continue as I always have contributing pro bono work to the community as I choose to, where I choose to — to special agencies and groups that empower women and support those in need and who are disadvantaged.

But in my private practice, I’m committed to being vigilant about maintaining a healthy pricing discipline (very hard for women to do, in general, I’ve found).  After all, you don’t walk into a car dealership wanting a shiny new car and ask to pay nothing for it, do you?  And you don’t go to your dermatologist and say, “Hey, can I pick your brain FOR FREE about this terrible itchy rash I have?” 

OK, folks, it’s time we stop asking for free handouts.  Whatever you want to call it — “pick your brain,” “get your insights,” “obtain your feedback” — if you’re asking me to use my consulting and coaching skills to help your business and your career, I’m respectfully asking for what I believe is only fair and just – to be paid what I deserve for helping you make the significant positive changes you want most in your life, work, and your business. 

I’m sure this will stir up many thoughts and feelings in my readers and community.  I’d LOVE to hear them all!  Please share freely.  Let it rip.  That’s what makes a good horse race, as my mother used to say.

Thanks for sharing openly below.  I’m looking forward to reading each of your comments and hearing your diverse views.

What are the easiest ways to spot an ineffective career coach who won’t be helpful in moving you forward?   
 

This week I heard from a lovely woman in another state who shared with me a story about a career coach she hired this year.  This coach, in the end, was of no help at all.  I have to say, if I’ve heard this once, I’ve heard it one hundred times.

The coach had her take a battery of expensive assessment tests, and the results showed that she was in the perfect job for herself.  The problem is, she’s very unhappy in this profession of 30 years, and wants out (for a variety of well-founded reasons).  He also told her that due to her age (she’s in late midlife), she’ll have a hard time reinventing and finding a new job.  Wow, thanks a lot for the motivation and inspiration, sir!  While it’s certainly true that reinventing in midlife has it deep challenges (I should know), where there’s a will, there’s a way.  

I experienced something similar 10 years ago with a career counselor I hired.  At 40 years old, I felt sick, miserable, and depressed at my current line of work and job, which was marketing and product management for a leading membership services organization.  I had been in membership services for years, and lost all interest in it. I deeply longed for a new career direction, but couldn’t figure out what to do.

After hundreds of dollars, several meetings, and a series of standardized assessment tests, the career counselor said, “Well, looks like your current job is perfect for you and meets all your needs.” 

Are you kidding???  If it met all my needs, why do I want to poke my eye out with a stick!  Why do I hate it so much, and why am I “breaking down” from the stress, exhaustion, crushing competition, and lack of connection to my work? 

The reason he arrived at the conclusion that my job was right for me involved his constricted perspective – an inability to think expansively about his client’s potential and capabilities.  He was looking only at the person I projected at that moment, and taking into account my outwardly-stated needs, skills, and priorities, without looking at my potential.  It’s understandable that I — the client — would have a limited perspective.  After all, it’s natural to feel limited and blocked when we’re stuck in a negative situation.  But for the career coach to be stuck with me in this limited view?  That’s just bad coaching.

What I needed was a breakthrough – a “paradigm shift” that would allow me to see how much more I was capable of than my current views and experiences allowed.

How did the coaching process go wrong?   

The career coach and assessment tests I took identified my professional needs and talents as: 

• Wanting flexibility, family time, high pay
• Avoiding extensive travel
• Utilizing my well-honed marketing skills
• Writing, copywriting, editing
• Generating ideas and implementing new marketing strategies
• Being creative – developing new products and enhancements
• Leading/managing others successfully
• Managing projects and budgets
• Building client relationships
• Nurturing ideas to fruition
• Re-engineering and streamlining processes for greater efficacy

The thing he missed was that, while I was indeed tapping into various talents and skills I possess, I was pointing them in the wrong direction!  The work I was focused on felt absolutely meaningless to me – or worse – harmful to the community and world.  To me, what we were selling lacked any contributive value.  The sole point of my job was to sell membership services and to make money – regardless of whether these services were truly needed or beneficial in people’s lives. 

My career coach missed the most important aspect of what I wanted in my working life – to feel good about what I’m doing!

This coach also missed exploring three vital dimensions to a joyful and successful life and career:  

• Standards of integrity – HOW you want to live and work – the process of living, not just the content of it  (check out Maria Nemeth’s book The Energy of Money for more about this!)

• Life intentions – WHAT you want to create and give in my life, when all is said and done

• Life purpose – THE UNIQUE PURPOSE of your life on this planet at this time

Career coaches who don’t touch on the above aren’t going to be successful for you. They disregard the most important dimensions of your career. 

My view is this – we did not come here on this planet at this time SIMPLY to pay the mortgage.  Yes, we must pay our bills, and handle our finances responsibly and accountably, but each of us is much more than a bank account.  We have talents, needs, perspectives, experiences, longings and gifts that coalesce into a special amalgam – the essence of you and what you want to give through your professional identity and endeavors. 

So the next time you are looking for a career coach, please do me a favor…check out exactly what he/she will be helping you achieve – is it a new job that fits outwardly but leaves you feeling cold and depressed?  Or is it a career/job that you can sink your teeth into, that brings you passion, power, and purpose, and lets you connect with the most expansive version of yourself, each and every day?

And don’t let a career coach work on your resume and social media profiles WITHOUT knowing who you really are on the inside, and what you care to give and be in the world.  If you create a new resume and direction without understanding and honoring the essence of you, you’ll waste precious time and money.

Last week, I held a free teleclass for women on the “5 Reasons You’re Miserable at Work and What To Do About It,” based on key findings from my national research with scores of working women across the country and my book Breakdown, Breakthrough.  More than 90 women signed up for the call, and they confirmed yet again what so many women have been unable able to say out loud until now, which is, “I’m unhappy at work, but I’m not sure exactly why or what to do about it!”

Whether you are a corporate professional, self-employed or in transition, if you need to find a different way to work, don’t worry. Help is on the way!  And you’re definitely not alone.

Below are what I’ve found to be the top five reasons so many women are dissatisfied and unfulfilled at work, along with concrete tips to revise your situation and change course today.

The top 5 reasons women are miserable at work are –

1. They find it impossible to balance work and family
2. They suffer from chronic financial distress
3. They struggle using skills and talents that aren’t “natural” to them
4. They feel chronically undervalued and disrespected
5. They experience little joy or positive meaning in their work

If the above describes your experience, here are some tips to help you create an internal shift away from feeling trapped and disempowered, to feeling more confident, courageous and committed to making positive career change today. (And feel free to write me at Kathy@elliacommunications.com if you’d like a download of the recording of the teleclass).

Tips for Positive Career Change:

Gain More Work-Life Balance

Balance is not going to just fall in your lap.  You have to claim it, and commit to getting it.  How?  First, determine the three most important priorities you are committed to achieving in your personal and in your professional life.  What are the three things that are vital to you to bring about — that matter more than anything else?  Formulate these in terms of “to be” statements such as “to be a loving mother or “to be a successful entrepreneur” or “to be a helper of others.”

Uncover the three top achievements that you are longing to bring about in your life and work and that you will not compromise on.  Then commit yourself to these.  Discover where you are over-functioning (doing more than is necessary, more than is healthy, and more than is appropriate) in your life, your family, and work, and let go of being perfect in the areas that don’t matter as much to you.  Once you take these steps, you’ll find that balance comes more easily to you, because you are being guided each day by the knowledge of what you want to create, and knowing you are 1000% committed to doing it.

Get Healthy with Your Money

To get out of chronic financial distress, you must become intimately connected with your money and begin to recognize your real intrinsic worth.  First, create a solid budget with strong financial goals, and stick to it.  Examine your spending – are you buying things in order to soothe your soul?  If so, stop over-spending.  Look at your beliefs around money that you learned as a child from living with your family.  Are your beliefs about money positive or negative, expansive or constricting? Do you believe you deserve wealth and abundance, or are you ashamed of the money you have or don’t have?  Overall, the key to overcoming chronic financial distress is to heal your relationship with money through positive and healthy beliefs, actions, and choices.  Once you create a supportive money relationship, you will no longer stay in jobs that create financial distress or drain you of joy and energy.  You’ll know your worth, and begin claiming it, on your professional path and otherwise.

Use Skills that Are Fun and Natural

It’s vitally important to understand exactly what talents and skills are easy and fun for you to use, and then find a way (either in your existing job or in a new field or job) to tap these talents more frequently at work.  To get more in touch with what you love to do and what comes easily, take my free Career Path Assessment.  Figure out what you want to do more of, less of, and never again!  Often, what you love to do and what comes easily to you were apparent in your childhood, so start there.  What did you thoroughly enjoy as a kid that people noticed, admired and praised?  You might also realize in doing this exercise that just because you’re great at a task or endeavor at work doesn’t mean you like to do it!  The key to an easier and happier work-life is to use talents that come naturally and are fun to you, so that each day feels like a joy, not a struggle.

Claim Your Self-Respect

If you’re chronically undervalued or mistreated at work and want people to change their treatment of you, you must start with SELF-respect.  How do you gain self-respect?  Through courageous action that inspires your own self-esteem – action that you know you should be taking, but haven’t found the nerve to take.  Now’s the time to become more authentic and real in your work. Speak up about who you are and what’s important to you.  Make yourself right, not wrong.  If you know something needs to be communicated, figure out a way to do it as soon as possible.  Find an advocate or mentor at work to help you speak up in the right way so that you will be heard and respected for your viewpoint.  Start enforcing your boundaries so that you know exactly what you will tolerate and accept from others, and what you won’t. 

Find Work that Gives Your Life Joy and Meaning

It’s a myth in our culture that we can’t make good money doing what we love.  However, it takes grit, determination, and courage to pursue a path that you love and to make it work for you financially.  If you want more joy and meaning — and financial success at the same time — determine what endeavors and activities make you joyful in your life, and begin today to bringing these forward.  The key is to understand 1) the essence of what you want, and then 2) find the right form of it. For instance, you might love to sing (as I do), and wonder if singing to earn money would make you happy.  To find out if a new path is right for you, research, research, research – interview people in the field, read all about the art and craft of singing professionally, take classes, find a mentor, and determine a way to “try it on’ before you leap.  You might discover that earning money singing as a full-time living isn’t for you, but you love to do on a part-time or hobby basis.  If that’s the case, join a volunteer or community singing group each week, and honor this as a heart-aligned endeavor. 

If you discover that you want a different line of work from your current job, create a plan that allows you to 1) research thoroughly what you want to do, 2) “try it on” as a volunteer or on part-time basis, then 3) commit to moving toward this new path with a solid financial plan, support of family and friends (and a coach if you’d like one), along with a step-by-step blueprint for what it will take to reinvent your career.

The Ultimate Outcome – Joy!

It’s up to you to create a career that you love, and you can do it!  Start today.  Let the top five reasons you’re miserable at work be the catalyst you need to change your career and change your life.  Trust me on this one…once you step up to creating a career that excites you, you’ll reach new heights you never thought possible.

In preparing to launch my new summer Career Change teleseminar program – Change Your Career—Change Your Life!, I’ve been thinking about why it’s so hard for many midlife women to find — and maintain — a joyful and successful career, and why it’s so challenging to shift out of one career into another, to a more fulfilling path.

In my personal experience, there were some very heavy blocks that kept me from realizing with clarity and confidence that I wanted out of my corporate marketing career, and from taking forward-moving action to get out.

My blocks were:

1) Time – I had invested so much time in building a marketing career (18 years, in fact), that it seemed ludicrous to “throw it all away.”

2) Ego – My ego told me that I had worked so hard to achieve a powerful position in the corporate hierarchy (in my last corporate position, I was a Vice President), that I didn’t want to step back and be a beginner again, and lose so much ground

 3) Confusion – If I were to chuck this professional identity, what would I do instead?  Despite years of trying to answer this question, I couldn’t figure out.  Sure, I fantasized about being in the film industry or doing something exciting and glamorous – but what did I really want to do?  What would I do if I won the lottery?  I couldn’t find a new path that made sense.

 4) Money – I earned a lot, and believed I needed every cent of that to provide myself and my family the living we needed and wanted.

 5) Going against the pack – Most people in our lives want us to do the safe, reasonable and secure thing.  They don’t want us to suffer, or to lose everything.  So they tell us – strongly and loudly – to play it safe. 

 6) The unknown – finally, I didn’t want to change because I wanted what I had to work out for me, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  Truthfully, I was scared to death to leap into the unknown.

 Now, eight years into my career reinvention, I see things differently.  I can say that none of the reasons above are sufficient to keep you stuck in a career you hate.  Loosen the vice-like grip these fears have on your life, your soul, your mind, and your livelihood, and you’ll find the courage and energy to begin to change your career, and change your life.

So here’s a new way to look at the challenges above:

TIME:

Every minute you DON’T make the changes you long for, is a minute you spend holding yourself back from the growth and expansion that you know – deep down – that you need and want.  Also, after revising your career to something you like better, you’ll find that you will use fully and joyfully each and every heart-felt talent and skill that you worked so hard to develop in the past.

EGO:

Achievements are – in the end — meaningless if they don’t resonate with your heart and soul.  Don’t let your ego lead you around by the nose.  If it does, you’ll find that your hard-won recognition and achievement will leave you feeling empty and sad.

CONFUSION:

Yes, it’s hard to sort out the “sounds-great!” career change ideas from those that will really make you happy.  It’s hard, but not impossible.  Find some great coaching and mentoring help today to do it.  Get unconfused.

MONEY:

We all want and need money.  The question is – how much do you truly need to make to be happy, fulfilled, and enjoy your life?  And what is your relationship with money – is it healthy and balanced, or are you a slave to it, addicted to having “things” surround you, because in fact, you feel depleted and joyless?

THE PACK:

The pack mentality is a fear-based, group think that doesn’t support innovation, individuality, and risk.  So which type of person do you want to be– a pack-like follower, or a cutting-edge thinker and leader?

THE UNKNOWN:

Here’s a fascinating truth– it’s ALL unknown, folks.  If you think you’ve got it figured out, and that what you carved out for yourself is going to be constant and unchanging, please do think again.  Life is change.  The universe WILL deliver to you continual opportunities for you to experience your own adaptability and resilience.  So, what would you rather do – embrace your resilience and proactively find a new path now that brings you joy, or do nothing, and let life foist change on you?

If you truly want a career change, I hope you’ll begin on a path today to making it happen.  Help is all around you!

I’d love to know what holds you back MOST from taking action to change your career, and what you need specifically to help you move forward? 

Please share your comments below – I LOVE your input (and it will help me deliver a fantastically powerful career-change program this summer)! 

As we move into a time of planting new seeds and cultivating what we truly wish to create, it’s time also to weed our gardens – discard old remnants from past plantings that thwart our growth, and cease to be beneficial as we evolve.

This Spring, I’m doing a great deal of emotional weeding. Truth be told (and so many people do not tell the truth about their real-life problems, so here we go), I’ve been extremely challenged by financial mistakes of my past.

I don’t regret these “mistakes,” as they are fodder for learning, but
that doesn’t make them any easier to resolve. And boy, has there been learning!

What are these serious financial mistakes?

I’ve realized that I’ve been held hostage by old “structures of knowing” around money formed years ago.
These mental models of how things work were not fully in my awareness until now — and they include my believing the following myths:

• It will be virtually impossible to make fantastic money if I’m doing what I love in my heart and soul.
• If I work for someone else, I’ll be terribly hurt, as I was in my past corporate career.
• I have to work incredibly hard to be successful.
• When abundant money flows again from my work (as it did in my corporate career), I’ll misuse the power that comes with it (as I did before).
• To make great money, I’ll lose the precious family time I’ve worked so hard to achieve .
• I can’t admit out loud that I’m not having the financial success I want, because then I won’t be a strong role model for other women.
• I can “affirm” away scarcity.

Are there any false truths bogging you down lately? Tell us about them.

As a career coach and researcher of working women’s work-life issues, I’ve embarked on a national research study on Women Succeeding Abundantly, in order to learn first-hand the essential ingredients in thinking, beliefs, choices, and behaviors that create and maintain “knock-your-socks-off success” in women. I’m learning from women who have the courage to raise their hands today and say, “Yes! I feel tremendously successful on my terms, and I have found the way to live life joyfully and with great gusto.”

Why is this topic important?

Because from where I sit there are precious few people on earth today who achieve a continual state of “feeling” successful, who know down to their toes that they are successful and don’t need external measures to continually validate it. And there are even fewer people who see their lives as a fantastic adventure in success rather than in failure.

I’m drawn to learn as much as I can from women who say “Yes I Am” abundantly successful, because I believe that when we feel successful in terms that are personal, meaningful, and self-defined, then we’re living a grand life of passion, power, and purpose, and having a ball doing it. We’re following the dictates of our own values, beliefs and priorities, and we’re shaping our destinies as want them, not as our prior conditioning, training and cultural influences taught us are “right.”

The first step I’m taking is to immerse myself in new learning. The second step is to reshape what I hear into a model that makes sense for me, and fits what I know to be true.

What I know to be true right now is that financial abundance is not the only way through which one can feel abundantly successful. However, in our society which is immersed in the energy of money, if you want financial abundance and have not been successful achieving it, then an internal feeling of success is virtually impossible – unless you intentionally create a shift within you that, in turn, allows for greater success.

So I’ve started there, understanding women’s relationships with money, success, achievement, recognition – the outer measures. I’m then peeling the layers down to look at the inner experiences and practices that abundantly successful women embrace and nurture to access their own power and success.

What is Necessary for a Successful Life Experience?

Here’s what I’ve learned in conducting this study and guiding my own life and those of my clients to greater success:

1. Nurture success

Without a consistent nurturing of your own internal feelings of success, the external measures of success won’t come to you (or if they do, they’ll be fleeting, come with struggle and strain, or feel deeply disappointing when they arrive). Find a way to reconnect to your internal knowing that you are indeed successful (despite what your outer situation is presenting in this moment).

2. Feel What You Long For and Know Why You Do

After establishing a practice of getting in touch with your internal success experience and embracing the fact that you have the power to improve your life situation, you must then understand what you truly want to create in your life, and know why you want it. Validate your longings — make yourself right instead of wrong for wanting them. (Usually, when people do this work, they realize they’ve been severely limiting themselves and want to break free of the box they’ve put themselves in. Sound familiar?)

3. Take Heart-Aligned Action

After knowing what you want to create, take action towards creating that reality. But this is where most of us get tripped up. Action of the wrong kind will keep you stuck and spinning. Instead, take only action that is heart-and-soul aligned. How do you know? Heart-aligned action feels right, or good, or relieving as you take it. It’s an outgrowth of who you really are. Never take action out of duress or desperation if you can avoid it – wait to take action until it feels right, or brings relief, or better yet, joy. Take action that supports what you know to be true.

4. Love the Process

Then, as life unfolds, learn to love the process of transition, change, and uncertainty, and get out of your own way of habitual attachment to what it “should” and “must” look like. So many folks want the outcome to be completely assured before they set out on the journey. It’s not going to happen that way, so relax, surrender, and enjoy the ride. Stop resisting and starting learning from your experiences so you can shape them into successes.

Make sense?

So let’s start now by getting in closer touch with our own internal relationship with success.

Ask yourself these questions today:

1) How do I personally define “abundant success”?

2) Deep down, do I truly want abundant success, or does the idea of having it intimidate or scare me? If so, what keeps me from wanting it?

3) How often do I feel successful in life and work?

4) If I feel less than successful most of the time, what specifically contributes to that “less-than-successful” evaluation of myself?

5) Finally, ask yourself, “What can I do today to begin to “feel” more successful internally. What steps can I take to remember and connect with all the ways that I HAVE been successful throughout my life and today, and to embrace more success going forward?”

I’m seeing the truth behind abundant success and here it is – it’s not as hard as you think it is to have it. It takes some revising of what you’ve been conditioned to think about how success occurs, along with some new access to your authentic emotions, courage to grow, validation of your deepest longings, new heart-aligned and planful action, and finally, a good dose of surrender. That’s not much, but it’s everything.

I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts about your experiences with abundant success, and what you know to be true about you and success. Please share your insights on my success blog post  – teach us about your experiences!

Thank you for sharing, and here’s to our many breakthroughs to abundant success!

As I do the work I do each day – giving seminars to women’s groups or connecting with new colleagues to partner with, working with my support team or communicating with my clients – I’ve begun to notice something quite interesting about the way people work.

There are two fundamental ways in which people attempt to expand themselves in the world.

 These two ways are:

 Collaborating with others in a respectful and empowering way, to help each other be all you both wish to be

 Or

 Attempting to crush out the competition through snarky, denigrating, and low-spirited tactics

 Which approach are you engaged in?

 The first approach encourages you to:

• Feel good in your interactions
• Expand your skills and know-how
• Experience yourself as purposeful and beneficial in your interchanges
• Learn more about how to do what you love to do and how you’re special
• Discover new skills and endeavors you’re capable of
• Grow faster and more effectively through positive synergy

 The second approach encourages you to:

• Feel lousy and critical about your interactions
• Constrict your thinking about what you’re capable of
• Mistake yourself as someone who is higher and more important in the hierarchy
• Believe that there simply isn’t enough to go around
• Remain stuck in the jealous, insecure “Am I good enough?” mode
• Move slower, with less success, ease, and fulfillment

In short, collaboration allows you to Say Yes! to yourself, to others and to expanding yourself to what you truly long to do.  Fearful competition keeps you stuck in the constricting, “NO” mode.

How can you tell cut-throat competition when you see it?

 Here are some key hallmarks:

 1) Language and action that indicates, “I’m smarter, better, richer, more successful than you.”

2) Over-selling – making a point over and over again so that the receiver ends up saying “OK already!”

3) Deep insecurity about being challenged or receiving constructive feedback

4) A lack of receptivity, compassion, and openness to learning from and being with others

5) An energy of “take, take, take” without giving back

6) A haughty or superior energy/attitude that says, “I’m farther along the path than you, and you’ll have to learn the hard way, like I did.”

Be mindful about whom you choose to associate with in the world and how you go about getting what you want.  The “how” of your approach is more impactful than specific tactics you use.  Overall, if your colleagues, partners, and friends are individuals who make you and others feel great about themselves in an authentic and enlivening way, then they’re on the right track, and so are you.

On the other hand, if you, your associates or friends are stuck in the diminishing, competitive “there’s not enough to go around, and I’m getting my piece!” mode, it’s time for a breakthrough to a collaborative spirit. Without it, the path you’re headed down will most certainly take you where you don’t want to go.

As a coach and a psychotherapist, I’ve worked with hundreds of people each year who are going through dramatic change of some kind or another, and are in need of support from their families, friends, colleagues and others. We often discuss what healthy support is, and how it feels when we receive support that gives us the strength and confidence to persevere.

What does helpful support look like? From my perspective, positive support shows up in many ways, and is expressed verbally and non-verbally, through language, beliefs, attitudes, and behavior. Supportive people communicate that:

• They understand what you are doing and why, even if they don’t fully agree
• They are positive, encouraging, bolstering, and uplifting in their language, attitudes, and behavior
• They express their belief in your ability to succeed
• They communicate joy at your success and happiness (and truly feel it!)
• If/when they have concerns, they express them calmly and productively
• They know the difference between their agenda and yours

Overall, those who are truly supportive want you to be all you can be in this life, and express that desire in their actions and words.

So what can we do to elicit even more support from family and friends? Here are some tips that can help:

• Present your ideas “half-baked.” Allow others to brainstorm and problem-solve with you, which helps them to become more invested in your process and your progress. Avoid “done deals.”
• Open a dialogue about the support you need. Don’t go “underground” with your need for help.
• Make it clear what you need and want. Say to your family and friends: “It’s very important for me to have your support on this. May I please tell you what would be most helpful to me?”
• Identify actions that are specific, behavioral, and measurable in what you ask for. For instance, one client asked her spouse, “Honey, I would really like to take this new class which meets two nights a week for a month, but it would mean I’ll need some extra help with the kids. Would you be able to give them dinner and put them to bed while I’m at school?”
• Ask, “What can I do to make it easier for you to support me on this?” Then consider the answer, and take action on it.
• Finally, develop a support plan together that you all can buy into, and revisit frequently.

These small steps can make a big difference. But what can we do when we’re still not getting the support we need?

There are many factors that contribute to lack of support from family, friends, and colleagues. To understand the dynamic more fully, look at what’s going on from a process standpoint as well as a content level.

In other words, ask yourself, “What can my friend’s lack of support tell me about myself, my relationship with this individual, and the impact of this new step on his/her life that I should understand?” Sometimes, a friend is jealous of your success or your expansion, and just cannot be fully present or happy for you at this time. In this case, your compassion helps. But it also might point to the need for a stronger boundary to be developed, so that you will know if and when the right time comes to walk away or limit your interaction with this non-supportive friend.

Look at where you are not receiving support today. Get clear on where your buttons are being pushed in the process (what makes you become defensive, insecure, indignant, angry). By examining your own “process,” you’ll develop a deeper understanding of where you might need a bit more clarity, confidence, and courage to follow your new path.

Here is a crucial point many people don’t realize: Once you get completely clear and confident about your new direction, you’ll find that you are more able to attract into your life the type of support and assistance you need.
When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this new step feels right, you can move mountains, and you won’t let a few nay-sayers stand in your way.

Wishing you joyful and exciting transitions!

A wake-up call is a resounding signal received that change is necessary in your life. Often we get this type of call when a crisis or deeply challenging situation has emerged.
Clients ask me, “What is crisis in our lives? How can we tell we’re heading into crisis, versus simply going through a really bad patch?”

What are the signs of “breakdown,” as I tend to call it? As defined in the Webster’s dictionary, a “crisis” is:

• An emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life (as in a midlife crisis)
• The decisive moment (as in a literary plot)
• The turning point for better or worse, as in an acute disease or fever
• A paroxysmal attack of pain, distress, or disordered function
• An unstable or crucial time or state of affairs in which a decisive change is impending; especially: one with the distinct possibility of a highly undesirable outcome (as in a financial crisis)
• A situation that has reached a critical phase

Clearly, we’re taking about a “no turning back” situation – a time in which a re-evaluation is called for. The definition of “crisis” used in my new book Breakdown, Breakthrough (Berrett-Koehler, Nov. 2008, www.breakdownbreakthrough.com) pertains to the occurrence of a deeply troubling, heart-wrenching, or grueling event or series of events that brings you to a recognition, finally and irrevocably, that change must occur now. Crisis pushes you to your knees, and stretches open your awareness that to repeat this experience (or this feeling, event, or situation) again in the same way would be close to intolerable.
A wake-up call in the professional arena means that you suddenly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that how you work, what you work on, who you work with or who you are when you work, and where you work — these elements are causing damage to you, your life, your body, and your spirit. A wake-up call often seems to strike out of the blue, yet we rarely get to this point without some warning signs along the way.

Crisis may look different for each person, but there is one unifying theme that defines it: Crisis wakes up the individual who faces it. This wake-up call demands our attention, and often leads us to have a “breakdown” or compels us to “break down” once and for all what isn’t working, and shed it. Crisis reveals that significant revision in life or work is required immediately.
If you’ve had any of the following thoughts or considered these actions in the past six months, you may be heading towards a wake-up call, and now is the time to hear it, and embrace what it’s trying to tell you.
Have you ever:

•  Allowed money and financial “benefits” to keep you in an abusive relationship at home or at work?
• Called in sick just because you couldn’t face what was on your plate that day?
• Flirted with sabotaging the work of your boss or colleague because s/he’s been so awful to you?
• Wondered to yourself, “What the heck is the purpose of what I do?”
• Snuck out of the office, and lied about why you are leaving, so that you could see your child’s soccer game (or performance, concert, etc.)
• Realized that you can’t remember the last time you did anything for yourself?
• Blamed yourself for “not fitting in” and feeling so alone in your current situation?
• Believed you might have a nervous breakdown just getting done what has to each day for work and for home?
• Fantasized frequently about another field(s) or area that would be very exciting to focus on?
• Sensed that you are missing important aspects of your family’s life, and will never get them back?
• Thought to yourself, “I don’t want to do this one more day.”

If you’ve had any of the above experiences and thoughts, you’re most likely heading for a major turning point in the road, and it’s time to grab control of the wheel.

Is a wake up call on its way to you?

If so, embrace it. Change is vital and good. Take this opportunity to explore your needs and wants fully, and realize they are not to be ignored. Uncover some potential new directions that excite you. You don’t have to know the “hows” right now. Just flesh out one area you’d deeply like to explore, then take a step to research it and test it out. The key is to sense how your energy feels when you consider and examine this new direction. If you feel good, then keep moving towards exploring it.

The first step on the path of aligning your life to your satisfaction is realizing that you’re stuck only if you perceive yourself to be. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself or your work (trust me – I’ve done it!), and expand your skills and abilities to reach toward a new direction that represents a better fit.

After all, aren’t you worth having a career and life you love? I know you are.