“Build it before you need it.”

That was one of the most important operating principles in Never Eat Alone – the idea that building your network and deepening relationships shouldn’t – in fact, CAN’T – be a machine that you fire up when you suddenly need a new job. Putting time and energy into relationship building should be a lifestyle constant.

The question is how to do that, on a typical day when the alarm clock rings and you’re off to a running start in a race that ends when your head hits the pillow?

Here’s my solution: Ritualize relationship building. Create a system of simple activities that you carry out over time as habits – and that become as essential and basic to your being as your morning cup of coffee.

Here are five ideas to inspire your own personal “Relationship Rituals” checklist:

1.    First thing every day after you turn on your computer, ping one friend and one acquaintance.

2.    Every weekend, invite someone else into an activity that you normally do alone (walks, gym sessions, gardening, shopping trips).

3.    Pick a day for a weekly check-in with a colleague/associate/friend, during which you share a success, a challenge, and make a commitment for the upcoming week.

4.    Every Friday, send a broadcast – status update, blog post, Tweet, etc.

5.    Host a monthly dinner or happy hour.

Ultimately, everyone’s list of rituals will be unique, customized to your specific network, goals, and lifestyle. The important thing is that every week, hell or highwater, you’re acting on them.

Now tell me: What’s your best relationship ritual, that you’re either practicing now or want to start?

Keith Ferrazzi is among the world’s foremost experts on relationships and networking…which is why he is smart enough to ask others, including you – for your best advice. Here, from the attendees of his Relationship Masters Academy, is what works.

1. The best advice I received recently was on e-mail etiquette. I was coached never to use the word “I” until the third sentence. It sounds harder than you think. After about five revisions I finally nailed it, sent the cold e-mail to the most prominent attorney in the county who I had never met, got the lunch meeting 1st request, and walked out of a 90 minute meeting with a retainer check in hand. That never happened in the short 8 years of my business. So, stay away from “I” ! – Eric Frazer

2. My best networking tip is volunteering yourself to the top. The power of serving a community or faith based organization puts networking connections and relationships on a different level. Although it doesn’t generate any income for me directly, volunteering has given me the opportunity to meet new people, nurture new relationships, and build my referral network.  I’d highly recommend it! – JP Finnell

3. The best networking advice I ever received was from my late mother, who told me that if I wanted to have a good time I would.  She’s right. – Lucy

4. Never take counsel from your fears. Whenever I was called in to see someone, I always made a point to tell myself that it was because I had done something wonderful, so that I would walk into any meeting with a positive attitude. Even if the discussion turned out to be negative, I was so positive that I remained strong and could deal with the situation. - Sam B. Bruce

5. My best networking advice comes from my four-year-old son. START WITH A COMPLIMENT. Whenever he wants me to carry him (or do anything for him) he simply starts with a compliment. “Daddy you are strong, will you carry me up the stairs?” I could have another one of my kids already in my arms with bags of groceries, but I will find a way to carry him since he complimented my abilities. I have practiced this a few times in my professional networks and it has worked with great success. – Luke Thompson 

What advice is at the top of YOUR list? We would love to hear about it.

For the rest of the top ten, including Keith Ferrazzi’s own best tip,  check out the entire list on Keith’s blog!

Here’s one of the missions from my forthcoming online Relationship Masters Academy:

Build rapport quickly with mirroring.

People like people who are like them – it’s built-in to the most primitive parts of our brain. Here’s how to get past this reptilian tic: mirroring, observing your conversational partner’s body language, tone, and level, and mirroring it with your own behavior.

It works: In one Dutch study, an interviewer talked to participants and then dropped a bunch of pens. The participants who had been mirrored were 2-3 times more likely to help the interviewer pick up the pens! Mirroring increased their good will and their “pro-social orientation in general.” You could use that, right?

Your mission: Try mirroring today. As you speak with a colleague, friend, or stranger:

•  Watch their movements. Wait 10 seconds, and then shift your body to match theirs.
•  Use the same hand gestures they use, but only when it’s your turn to talk.
•  Match their facial expressions instantly. If they raise their eyebrows, raise yours.
•  When they nod their head, nod yours instantly to signal agreement or affirmation.

Whether you want to drop pens after you try this out is up to you.

Here are five forms of universal currency and suggestions for how to put them into play.  

I’m trying to make my Twitter stream  more useful. Here are some ideas Ryan, KeithFerrazzi.com’s community/social media guy, had for me. I thought they might be useful for you too.

1.    Start to post more questions. People love to answer them. This is a quick way to build community. If you ask the right questions as people will answer other people’s questions and connect that way.

2.    Give more tactical advice. Transform your inspirational thoughts into challenges for your followers. Try to think tactically and I think people will respond well. ex: “Next time you go to a meeting, call ahead and ask if they want a Starbucks. Ask the receptionist too ”

3.    Host more impromptu “tweetups” when you have downtime in your travels. A great opportunity to do this is to invite people to any charity events that you plan to integrate into your travel schedule this year.

I also throw the question back at you: What you would like to see more of in my Tweets/Status Updates? Less of?

Few have strength of reason to overcome the perceptions of sense.
- Samuel Johnson

You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.

Why? Anthropologists tell us that we’re thinking like cavemen. Deep in our genetic code, we are conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Will they eat us or feed us? That’s why we form first impressions so quickly; we have to decide whether or not it is safe to approach.

How do you get someone who doesn’t know you to feel comfortable talking?

This is not the time to play hard-to-get, keep a distance, or play mysterious. Instead, take the initiative in creating a welcoming impression. People are wowed by social decisiveness when it’s offered with compassion and warmth. How another person perceives you is determined by a number of things you do before you utter your first word.

1. First, give the person a hearty smile. It says, “I’m approachable.”

2. Maintain a good balance of eye contact. If you maintain an unblinking stare 100 percent of the time, that qualifies as leering.That’s plain scary. If you keep eye contact less than 70 percent of the time, you’ll seem disinterested and rude. Somewhere in between is the balance you’re looking for.

3. Unfold your arms and relax. Crossing your arms can make you appear defensive or closed. It also signals tension. Relax! People will pick up on your body language and react accordingly.

4. Nod your head and lean in. Meanwhile, we cautious about invading the other person’s space. You just want to show that you’re engaged and interested.

5. Learn to touch people. Touching is a powerful act. Most people convey their friendly intentions by shaking hands; some go further by shaking with two hands. My favorite way to break through the distance between me and the person I’m trying to establish a bond with is to touch the other person’s elbow. It conveys just the right amount of intimacy, and as such, is a favorite of politicians. It’s not too close to the chest, which we protect, but it’s slightly more personal than a hand.

Question: Has anyone out there had success in consciously developing these nonverbal skills?

“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.” – Machiavelli

Every job I’ve ever had, I’ve made an effort to brand myself as an innovator, a thinker, a salesman, and someone who could get stuff done. When I was just a management trainee at ICI, my first job out of college, I sent a set of recommendations to the CEO. So he never responded. I never stopped sending those e-mails.

It’s just silly to think you can’t impact people’s personal and professional expectations of who you are. By making the effort, you can break the glass ceiling by expanding people’s view of your capability. What we’re really talking about here is taking charge of your personal brand, consciously and consistently.

The novelist Milan Kundera once reflected that flirting is the promise of sex with no guarantee. A successful brand, then, is the promise and guarantee of a mind-shattering experience each and every time. It’s the e-mail you always read because of who it’s from. It’s the employee who always gets the cool projects.

To become a brand, you’ve got to become relentlessly focused on what you do that adds value. Here are three steps to get you on the road to becoming the next Oprah Winfrey:

1. Develop a Personal Branding Message (PBM)
A brand is nothing less than everything everyone thinks of when they see or hear your name. The best brands, like the most interesting people, have a distinct message. Your PBM comes from your content/unique value proposition, as we discussed in the last chapter, and a process of self-evaluation. It involves finding out what’s really in a name—your name. It calls for you to identify your uniqueness and how you can put that uniqueness to work. It’s not a specific task so much as the cultivation of a mind-set.

What do you want people to think when they hear or read your name? What product or service can you best provide? Take your skills, combine them with your passions, and find out where in the market, or within your own company, they can best be applied.

Your message is always an offshoot of your mission and your content.

Your positioning message should include a list of words that you want people to use when referring to you. Writing those words down are a big first step in having others believe them. Ask your most trusted friends what words they would use to describe you, for good and for bad. Ask them what are the most important skills and attributes you bring to the table.

2. Package the Brand
Most people’s judgments and impressions are based on visuals—everything other than the words you speak that communicates to others what you’re about. For everyone in every field—let’s be real—looks count, so you’d better look polished and professional.

There is one general, overarching caveat in this step: Stand out! Style matters. Whether you like it or not, clothing, letterheads, hairstyles, business cards, office space, and conversational style are noticed—big time. The design of your brand is critical. Buy some new clothes. Take an honest look at how you present yourself. Ask others how they see you. How do you wish to be seen?

3. Broadcast Your Brand
You’ve got to become your own PR firm. Take on the projects no one wants at work. Never ask for more pay until after you’ve been doing the job successfully and become invaluable. Get on convention panels. Write articles for trade journals and company newsletters. Send e-mails filled with creative ideas to your CEO. Design your own Me, Inc. brochure. Develop your brand online. The world is your stage. Your message is your “play.” The character you portray is your brand. Look the part; live the part.

Remember, you have a choice: Be distinct or be extinct. Want people to recognize how much you have to offer? Then it’s your job to do everything in your power to make it easy for them – and that means relentless commitment to quality.

Update: Just saw Dan Schawbel’s great post on ”branding by association.” Check it out.

Your turn: Whose brand do you most admire?

I was never afraid of failure, for I would sooner fail than not be among the best. – John Keats

There are people who don’t think twice about addressing a room full of new people, a table of potential clients, or an attractive single in a bar.

Then there are the rest of us. But in a world of relentless competition, you can’t afford to let social anxiety hold you back. It’s wasted opportunity. So what to do?

 For many people, the fear of meeting others is closely tied to the fear of public speaking (a fear that consistently beats out death as the one thing we dread most). Some of the world’s most famous speakers admit to feeling similar anxiety. Marcus Buckingham, for example, who’s addressed thousands as a speaker and millions as a guest on Oprah has said that he gets “throw-up nervous” before every engagement.

Try these three steps to tame your natural anxiety:

 1. Acknowledge that your fear is perfectly normal. You are not alone – and fear is not an excuse for inaction.

 2. Recognize that getting over that fear is critical to your success. The choice isn’t between success and failure; it’s between choosing risk and striving for greatness, or risking nothing and being certain of mediocrity.

 3. Commit to getting better. How? Some ideas:

 • Find a role model. Have your most gregarious friend wingman for you at a few events. Watch what they do, and over time, adopt their techniques as your courage builds.
• Learn to speak. Join an organization such as Toastmasters that gives you the chance to practice in a non-intimidating environment, with an instructor who can guide and push you.
• Get involved. You’ll feel most comfortable when you’re doing something you enjoy with others who share your enthusiasm. So become an active member in a club or organization, and ultimately take on a leadership role.
• Just do it. Set a goal for yourself of initiating a meeting with one new person a week. It doesn’t matter where or with whom. Introduce yourself to someone on the bus. Slide up next to someone at the bar and say hello. Hang out at the company water cooler and force yourself to talk to a fellow employee you’ve never spoken with. You’ll find that it gets easier and easier with practice.

 As you reach out to others, don’t worry about failure! As the playwright Samuel Beckett wrote, “Fail, fail again. Fail better.” Fear debilitates. Once you realize there’s no benefit to holding back, every situation and every person—no matter how seemingly beyond your reach—becomes an opportunity to succeed.

What are your tried and true tricks to bust through nervousness while speaking to a group?

The thought of being obligated to another hundred or so people—sending birthday cards, dinner invites, and all that stuff that we do for those close to us—seems outlandishly taxing.

Only, for some, it’s not. These people are super-connectors. People like me who maintain contact with thousands of people. The key, however, is not only that we know thousands of people but that we know thousands of people in many different worlds, and we know them well enough to give them a call.

So here’s the good news for those of you who aren’t so aggressively social: Once you become friendly with a super-connector, you’re only two degrees away from the thousands of different people we know.

Connectors can be found in every imaginable profession, but I’m going to focus on seven professions where they most commonly congregate. Each of these kinds of connectors provides me with a link to an entire world of people, ideas, and information that, in a very significant way, has made my own life a little more fun, helped my career along, or made the businesses I worked for more successful.

1. Restaurateurs
Being a true-blue connector is a requisite for most people who own restaurants. The success of their enterprise depends on a core group of regulars who see the restaurant as a home away from home. And it’s quite easy to get to know a restaurateur: Become a regular.

2. Headhunters
Recruiters. Job-placement counselors. Search executives. They are like gatekeepers. Instead of answering to one executive, however, the really successful ones may answer to hundreds of executives in the field in which they recruit. Headhunters are professional matchmakers, earning their wage by introducing job candidates to companies that are hiring.

Can anyone contact a headhunter? To be honest, headhunters prefer to be the one contacting you. But if you’re careful about not trying to sell yourself and instead offering them access to your network, they’ll be receptive.

3. Lobbyists
Well informed, persuasive, and self-confident, lobbyists are generally impressive networkers. By virtue of their job, they are intimately familiar with the ways of large organizations and how local and national government work. They are almost uniformly passionate people whose goal is to sway politicians to vote on legislation in a way that favors the interest they represent.

How do they work? Lobbyists will often host cocktail parties and dinner get-togethers, allowing them to interact with politicians—and their opponents—in a casual atmosphere. Their more grassroots efforts involve long hours spent on the phone and in writing letters, trying to rouse the community to get involved behind an issue. All of which makes them a rather easy group to please. Can you hold an event for them? Volunteer your services? Refer other volunteers to their cause? Introduce them to potential clients?

4. Fundraisers
“Follow the money” are words fundraisers live by. They know where it is, what it will take to get it, and most important, who’s most likely to give it away. As a result, fundraisers, whether they work for a political organization, university, or nonprofit group, tend to know absolutely everybody.

5. Public relations people
PR people spend their whole day calling, cajoling, pressuring, and begging journalists to cover their clients. The relationship between media and PR is an uneasy one, but at the end of the day, necessity brings them together like long-lost cousins. A good friend who works in PR can be your entrée into the world of media and, sometimes, celebrity.

6. Politicians
Politicians at every level are inveterate networkers. They have to be. They shake hands, kiss babies, give speeches, and go to dinners, all in the name of gaining the trust of enough people to get elected. The stature of politicians is derived from their political power rather than their wealth. Anything you can do to help them gain power with voters, or exercise power in office, will go a long way to ensuring you a place in their inner circle.

7. Journalists
Journalists are powerful (the right exposure can make a company or turn a nobody into a somebody), needy (they’re always looking for a story), and relatively unknown (few have achieved enough celebrity to make them inaccessible).

These are seven different professions tailor-made for superconnectors. Reach out to some. And there are others—lawyers, brokers, etc. Become a part of their network and have them become a part of yours. Seek out ideas from people you don’t ordinarily talk to who inhabit professional worlds you don’t ordinarily travel in.

In one word: Connect. In four better words: Connect with the connectors.

People today are shortchanging themselves — that’s the unspoken tragedy of economic recession. The five to ten percent of Americans who are unemployed and struggling lead the headlines, understandably. But how about those with jobs? The crappy employment market reduces people’s expectations around satisfaction, advancement, and pay. “Just be glad you have a job” rolls off everyone’s tongue and suddenly you’re stagnating.

If you’re someone who feels stuck, here’s one suggestion: Don’t assume that your long-term professional goals can’t be served by your current job, even if it’s not your ideal position. As the most successful people out there know, everything is connected! When juggling your personal and professional lives, work on blending the two, not striking a balance. Blend the demands of your day job with your long-term goals by doing what I call “drafting”—recasting current work goals to make them serve longer-term personal interests.

Drafting allows you to bring a greater percentage of your passion and interests to work; it will also significantly increase your energy for the job you have today. Along the way, it will help you to perform better—so everyone wins! Do you have to tell others of your longer-term goals? Not for starters. Just do it.

Take one goal that someone’s handed you, and turn it into a learning goal for your own benefit. Or call a friend and say, “Hey, I’m trying to find a way to turn my day-to-day goals at work into something that can really benefit my long-term career. Here are my present goals at work. And here are my long-term goals in life. Can you help me?”

Creating our own personal learning goals (or even suggesting that our managers make it part of company protocol) to support the performance goals we’ve been given is an easy way to “draft.” Learning goals are exactly what they sound like – goals that aren’t focused on a specific outcome, but on learning a new skill or subject expertise, hopefully complimenting some kind of performance goal.

The nice thing about learning is that it serves you as much as your employers. Company goals become tools in our own self-development. Think of it as a job perk that isn’t written in your contract. Meanwhile, your employer will benefit from your increased engagement.