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By
Keith Ferrazzi
Posted: October 19, 2009 at 5:01 am | Comments 4 Subscribe to this author's RSS feed 
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Few have strength of reason to overcome the perceptions of sense.
- Samuel Johnson
You have about ten seconds before a person decides, subconsciously, whether they like you or not. In that short period of time we don’t exchange a lot of words; our judgment is mostly based on nonverbal communication.
Why? Anthropologists tell us that we’re thinking like cavemen. Deep in our genetic code, we are conditioned to be afraid of strangers. Will they eat us or feed us? That’s why we form first impressions so quickly; we have to decide whether or not it is safe to approach.
How do you get someone who doesn’t know you to feel comfortable talking?
This is not the time to play hard-to-get, keep a distance, or play mysterious. Instead, take the initiative in creating a welcoming impression. People are wowed by social decisiveness when it’s offered with compassion and warmth. How another person perceives you is determined by a number of things you do before you utter your first word.
1. First, give the person a hearty smile. It says, “I’m approachable.”
2. Maintain a good balance of eye contact. If you maintain an unblinking stare 100 percent of the time, that qualifies as leering.That’s plain scary. If you keep eye contact less than 70 percent of the time, you’ll seem disinterested and rude. Somewhere in between is the balance you’re looking for.
3. Unfold your arms and relax. Crossing your arms can make you appear defensive or closed. It also signals tension. Relax! People will pick up on your body language and react accordingly.
4. Nod your head and lean in. Meanwhile, we cautious about invading the other person’s space. You just want to show that you’re engaged and interested.
5. Learn to touch people. Touching is a powerful act. Most people convey their friendly intentions by shaking hands; some go further by shaking with two hands. My favorite way to break through the distance between me and the person I’m trying to establish a bond with is to touch the other person’s elbow. It conveys just the right amount of intimacy, and as such, is a favorite of politicians. It’s not too close to the chest, which we protect, but it’s slightly more personal than a hand.
Question: Has anyone out there had success in consciously developing these nonverbal skills?
4 Responses to “5 Tricks To Set New Contacts At Ease In 10 Seconds”
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I became a toucher years ago when I read of a research study.
Surveyors stood outside of a new library, asking exiting visitors to answer a few brief questions about the library. Half of the surveyors were instructed to somehow make physical contact, such as touching the person’s hand while handing them a pen.
The respondents who had been touched were glowing in their praise, more connected and engaged, and overall much more positive in their opinions of the library and of being asked to participate in a survey.
Now, when the grovery store cashier hands me my change, I make sure I always touch. I think they are friendlier…
Oh yes. I used to be an arm-crosser. Not for any other reason than it was a comfortable posture for me. Generally, I would be intently focused on what the other person was saying when I took this stance. When I became aware that it came across as defensive, I stopped.
I believe that we bring what we want to see to situations. If you want others to be comfortable, relax and be comfortable yourself. It may be business, but when we interact with others, it’s just like inviting someone into your home. (We’re just inviting people into ‘our space’ when we’re out.)
All the best!
deb
I agree with all your tips and have found that remembering to smile is so important. It puts the other person at ease and shows you are positive and confident. People want to be with happy people.
tricia@triciamolloy.com
Tricia
Keith,
Your “5 Tricks to Set New Contacts at Ease” are also great starting points when attending networking events.
I’m often approached to coach/mentor women who are nervous about going to networking events (but they realize they need to network in order to succeed in their careers).
Your 5 tips are a great way for women to “break the ice” when they arrive at a networking event and feel a bit overwhelmed with so many new people.
Lisa Quast
Career Woman, Inc.
http://www.CareerWomanInc.com